Paola Aldinucci social worker, family mediator
Giancarlo Francini
Psicolgo Psychotherapist, teacher AIMSITF of Siena and Florence, Head of foster care, adoptions and abuse, and Section of intercultural ' ITFF florence pappalardo-francini@libero.it
The children in the marital conflict
The child in the midst of discord
The child lives with the recurrence of conflict and this has many effects on him:
somatic : hear a Malino the belly "that is activated in case of an initial issue, and to reactivate spontaneously whenever you re-create situations and relational atmosphere that can play that fight.
It 'obvious that he will do anything to stop that situation. In some ways he has already done this experience: when hungry waiting for their mother's milk of the mother or the intervention that would resolve his need had learned to draw attention to himself. In fact, continues to find ways to draw attention on his need for someone to set aside the nagging feeling that the stomach is nothing but fear itself the end of the link. So
produce effective behaviors: Temporarily (break something, get scolded, getting hurt), permanently (unknowingly producing symptoms: the child's illness draws parents to their obligations and duties distracted by marital and parental needs).
Cognitive: the child is aware of the relationship between the two and, moved by fear of the unknown (late marriage) is active, sometimes in paradoxical form. For example, bind to one of the two does not mean much to hope that there is, but most times it means forcing the other to remain for the bond he has with that child who has seduced. Affective
We know that children who witness the destructive conflict (not just violence) between parents develop little faith in the reports, an indifference to the family situation that produces a level of personality, passivity, isolation, emotional ambivalence, but also aggression and acting-out. Children living in marital discord (even if it does not reach the level of violence within the family), mostly living a similar experience developing distrust in the relationship and both need to bond. Fear of the end of the link and at the same time hope for ending the relationship. The attachment style that developed is an avoidant style. The child will develop a range of strategies to avoid feeling, to prevent, mediate between them.
The goal of this child will always be the "stop them", whatever the cost, and often the cost to which it refers is that of self, or more often of his own sacrifice to the mission of reconciliation, the maintenance of the bond form, their allocation because they do not get too close and too dangerously.
The child in the middle of the fracture
The effects of separation on bambini7 have been studied enough (more abroad than in Italy, actually), and now we recognize a certain risk of pathological changes in the first year of separation, and then a stabilization of symptoms or difficulties only if the discord between parents is not superata8. In a sense, the good news that comes from psychosocial research and clinical is that the marital separation, though in itself is a risk to the child does not always and not necessarily damage the door, so the possibility that damage evolves from the experience of separation is related to the ability of parents to recognize one 's other in their parental role and allow the child to have access to another genitore9.
So the space that the child in the parents' separation is very large, not in the sense of responsibility in their decision, (as is sometimes the children believe in their fantasies that no one is interested to know), but as a secret space research sense of its presence and its role in salvage. Space is limited and determined by cold (but often necessary) rules of time and mode of access that frame all the work he does to understand what happened and especially what will happen to those who can pay and what the function should take banks to put a world that is disintegrating in his eyes.
Hence the need to listen to the child.
Listen baby
In trying to make our contribution to listen to the children of parents in family mediation, we would propose to the reader to move from a perspective ' Other:
... by law: new regulations to implement the European Directive ratified the Convention in Strasbourg in June 2000 - the greater interest of the children and the child's right to have a family, the right to speak in the process that concerns. More recently in front of the source preference for joint custody or shared, it is getting the idea that custody should be joint normally and that the decision in relation to clearance of the child is linked to listening desires and needs of child itself and not in relation to the personality of the parents or their behavior.
... understanding. What does it mean to listen the child? In no case means indulge his words.
means instead listen to his words, but even more to his needs: that is to hear his views on the situation.
Sometimes the child's desire is to perform (or continue the course) for those functions that we serve to "make them stop."
In a sense, the loyalty that the child is living beyond his own will, in fact, affect his behavior and also the expression of his desire. For example, a child who prefers to stay with his father in order to look for him because he is poor man alone, is certainly not expressing his desire (in the sense of growth), but he is explaining his plan to sacrifice to save what is hopelessly bankrupt: the union.
Small Ulysses between Scylla and Cariddi10
As those who have seen them shatter the reference horizon, live in the attempt to reconstruct in himself what he is irretrievably broken and shattered.
The child lives in a triangle relational alliances, coalitions and functions.
We know that as individuals belonging to a system, children can not not influence (and not be affected): beyond the influence one another, what we often see is the manipulation (più o meno consapevole): dare al figlio il proprio punto di vista eliminando l’altro o la storia dell’altro, o appiattendola sull’immagine del colpevole, dell’estraneo, del diverso.
Da qui emerge il pericolo di “ascoltare” il bambino, senza contestualizzare il suo essere un vertice del triangolo.
Tutti i bambini hanno bisogno di poter riunire in sé l’eredità dei propri genitori, di mettere insieme le parti di sé che sono prodotte dall’incontro con il padre e quelle con l’incontro con la madre. Garantire l’accesso del bambino all’altro genitore vuol dire allora garantire al bambino la possibilità di integrare in sé queste parti diverse, così several that led to the first fracture and discord.
"Being friends with two that are enemies to one another"
This is the phrase that a child used to describe the situation between her separated parents (for years ), where segregation and unresolved link on this very desperate is the son lived, he'd need a good relationship with both, loves to both, but he learned that two of them will never get along, and the only tool to avoid discomfort that he had lived as a child during their quarrel: keep them strictly separate and distant. Così, come un abile marinaio di sottomarini, prima di aprire la porta del padre, chiude le tenute stagne dello spazio in cui rimane la madre, e poi, quando di nuovo passa dal padre alla madre, chiude le tenute stagne dello spazio del padre. Non si devono toccare, non devono sapere l’uno dell’altro, non devono aver l’impressione che lui sia più o meno amico dell’altro.
Come può, vivere liberamente la sua amicizia e il suo affetto con uno e poi lo stesso con l’altro/a ?
Ha bisogno di tre cose fondamentali:
a) che i tempi, gli spazi e le frequenze, per le quali lui possa essere e sentirsi liberamente in rapporto con l’uno o l’altro/a, siano fissati rigidamente da altri, and not by him.
b) also requires the consent of both to have this access. Needs, namely, that both give him permission to be a friend of the other / a, without this change the status of "war" between them and at the same time the relationship that each individual has with him.
Ultimately he needs neither use it more as a private investigator, a spokesman, the judge able to tell the story and the world who was right and who's not.
We also know that this task will be also the same son, who must find the strength to exempt itself from these functions and restituirleai parents, but over time this will happen.
c) also needs to be created spaces where they can have both but separately where significant trade over time is possible to address the very meaning of their marital history of the first and then separated, where the parents are willing to get involved because the opposite all'inevitabilidomande , on when and by whom.
The desire of children
If, as we said above, it becomes essential to the process and not only understand the desire of the child, that he should be taking the center of proceedings concerning him, and that, therefore, as a person in effect has a right to know and express themselves in it becomes crucial for us players not only set itself the goal to meet this desire but also build and develop modalities and space in which the child can express themselves and parents understand.
To do this we believe it is necessary to move our domestic demand, from what you want your child to the question: who benefits?
In a sense, we ask the function of the expressions of the child, such as his refusal to go the other. But the complicity of the one who sends the lens as you approach a new challenge for fear of changing the balance.
This intent becomes useful to ask what connection there is between desire and function.
Desire
This term can be taken in two meanings
:
a) The principle that drives appetite
a living being action, in view of the satisfaction of a need, or the execution of an order.
All'appetizione belong:
1) desire, (see significant appetite);
2) the irritability, (is that why you resist the harmful actions and act in the face of all that is difficult);
3 ) will, (or support the reinforcement that a desire or an effort to get the cooperation of a pulse excited in the system of feelings of autoconsiderazione - the crucial contribution consists of an attitude of respect or glorification of the ego in front of the same ase).
b) craving sensitive (ie, directed to what is pleasant - Aristotle).
"activity that seeks to proceed to break the dam holding claw. The object that comes to mind as the goal of desire, and the oggettodell'ambiente that, if present, would provide a riunificazionedell'attività and the restoration of unity "(Dewey) 11.
function
This term has two meanings:
a) Operation
In a sense, means the direct action to an end, "Radcliffe-Brown defines the social function of an applicant (eg funeral ceremony.) As the part it plays in social life as untutto and therefore the contribution it makes to the maintenance of structural continuity 12.
b) Report
regards to the interdependence of the phenomena with each other and allows the quantitative determination of this interdependence without presupposing or assume anything about the production of a phenomenon from another.
We also know that the relationship between one or more persons go beyond the interaction between them as to the meaning and refers directly to its meaning from the whole filter and is deposited in people participating in it, and this experience is what is the resulting report.
The overview, summary and simplistic about these concepts, it opens the way to discriminate and distinguish the desire
1) desire as "irritability" in the sense of reaction to the organism, the all'oppositivo difficulty or impediment;
2) desire as desire, as the impulse of the feelings of autoconsiderazione, as an attitude of respect or glorification of the ego to himself;
3) desire as sensitive appetite, which tends to unity (perhaps impossible).
But the function can be understood in two senses:
1)-led operation to an end with the appropriate structure;
2) the shape of the connection between two or more phenomena.
important that the definition of A. Dell'Antonio13 had given the desire of the child as an internal dimension, we can add a set of attitudes that represent the events:
a) irritability;
b) the will of the ego;
c) tendency towards unity;
d) operation direct to an end.
Il bambino in Mediazione familiare e l’utilizzo del “Lausanne Triadic Play”
Ascoltare il minore richiede un atteggiamento nei confronti dei genitori che li aiutano a passare da una posizione di conflitto sui figli ad una di collaborazione14. E l’intervento giudiziario spesso non è adatto a gestire questa conflittualità perché per sua natura si basa sul bipolarismo vincente-perdente con un mantenimento della rabbia e rancore tra i due ex coniugi che spesso li porta ad avanzare richieste di revisione anche per molti anni. L’alternativa quindi al procedimento giuridico per affrontare la crisi è la mediazione familiare15 e all’interno di tale percorso, anche se Not all schools provide for mediation, creating a space for listening to the child using techniques suitable for his age.
But, as Mazzei16 is obvious that "the convening of children in family mediation sessions should not mean to ask the children with whom they want to stay, or an opinion on the parents, but rather allow parents, consistent with the purposes of family mediation, to learn more about the psychological situation of children, in order to exercise their parental responsibility. You can thus avoid the risk, always present, to reduce the two positions to the now classic dichotomy that sees a parent to support the allegations the other highlight of a child that the child is being manipulated. "
Always Mazzei continues:" We call on children to the sessions of family mediation because we want to bring out a parental responsibility to the needs and experiences of children, with the secondary benefit of emphasize parental subsystem. It 'important to understand where the information came from the separation are carried out correctly, reducing the risk of guilt. Parents, in fact, state the reasons for separation and are helped to do so by the mediator, respond to any concerns of children. "
What concerns us then is to create a space where children are in fact listening to parents, but to do this we need to create a space-time dimension that can stop her parents in a position where you can play, putting aside the "noise" of their self-centered conflict, and help them find a direction to the children .
This is useful, in our opinion, the time and research to the identification and optimization tools and adequate procedures.
To listen to children in family mediation can be used symbolic techniques to observe nonverbal behavior and family interactions in play situations or drawing which are then videotaped.
Among the techniques used by parents and children in family mediations us dwell here on the "Lausanne Triadic Play" 17 which consists of a "family game" to see how the family works together and whether if its members cooperate and help each other. It was necessary to use in a mediation tool to observe the interaction of parents with children up to age six years until that has hardly used the other symbolic techniques, joint design.
The task requested by the Ombudsman shows that the three should "work together" as a team.
What interests us is to look at the many variations and combinations that deviate from this task group which will appear collaborative, disorganizzato e soprattutto osservare le numerose variazioni nei vari passaggi. Le quattro scene, infatti, non sono studiate a sé stanti ma vengono studiate anche i momenti di transizione, la capacità di coordinazione tra i tre membri del sistema, le negoziazioni tra i membri nel momento delle transizioni, momento che richiede una stretta coordinazione tra i partner.
Il primo punto per esempio ci dirà e lo dirà anche ai genitori l’idea di quanto poi nella quotidianità riusciranno a collaborare nella gestione della loro genitorialità, una fotografia (dinamica) per vedere a che punto sono del loro lavoro. Osservare quindi tutte queste interazioni dei genitori con il figlio, mentre si danno il cambio, mentre collaborano, vedere how to organize the third configuration when they have to go back to talking among themselves is very representative of what happens in their separation.
The study of such situations as this also includes the moments of transition from one phase to another, important as it requires good coordination between partners. This makes it possible to observe mainly the degree of agreement / disagreement between the two parents, parenting arrangements, empathy, relationships, reactions of the child.
use with parents of the videotape of the "Lausanne Triadic Play"
about a year we started testing a new technique in mediation associated with the LTP, namely in the session after the one in which parents and children were engaged in the task of the four phases, we have mediators involved in revisiting the parental couple songs in the recording of the previous session, for a more thorough analysis of the interaction. So in this meeting was possible to check and work with parents on their perceptions in relation to this personal experience, checked during the various phases of the game. Here are the transcription of two family mediations in which it was first used the technique of "Lausanne triadic play" and then the technique is still being tested mediation in the use of the videotape back to the parents, coupled with a small interview by the ombudsman on what happened, how they felt, how they lived through the four stages of interaction.
We propose a case study to reflect on this mode.
Family Mediation Geneva and Edward
Edward and Geneva of 31 years, have been married for 6 years and separated by 8 months when they turn to family mediation service to ask for help from the management of the daughters and the problem of the presence of a third person in the lives of these, the new companion Geneva.
Geneva comes from a family with a high parental conflict in which she was often triangulated. With his mother's always been a love / hate, about a mother on has always felt recognized as a nobody, from which it has been devalued and even now feel devalued as a mother of purple and white.
Edward comes from a family where there was fighting but is not shared, has a mother strong, decisive, a mother who has always controlled and perhaps, says Edward, because he had a passive husband, one who did not decide.
Edward and Geneva are chosen because each sees in the confidence that each of them is missing. Geneva appears Edward's eyes as his mother, strong, confident and determined. But in Geneva Edward tries the same things. Both feel disappointed by the weaker party to the other. Geneva may have hoped that this union with Edward to help her break the umbilical cord with his mother but not only does not receive this help, but is also invaded by the mother-in-law. "We were never a couple," says Edward.
Geneva did not feel quite right as a mother and little recognized in this role, he began to delegate some of this to her husband but also to the girls' grandmothers.
The separation in this case is an attempt to release from their families and regain the parental project.
Seventh meeting: Edward, Geneva and girls, Violet and White six years to three.
Both parents and daughters enter the room. The weather is calm, all talk, they smile. The parents are affectionate with their daughters who returned the affection.
In the room there are three chairs side by side where he sits in the center and sides of the Geneva daughters. The father remains standing and both her daughters, Viola and Bianca show worry and take steps to search for another chair to sit in their father. Log
the Ombudsman with a box of games that lay on the ground in the middle dellastanza.
Med 1: Well, my name is ...
Viola: Viola
Bianca: Bianca I
Med 2: I ...
Med 1 (addressed to the parents and the girls already playing): They know what?
Geneva: I told them that we were coming to meet people who help the father and mother to make decisions.
Med 1 (girls): Purple and White, we need help from you. The help is this. Since we would like to see the father and mother playing with you, but since they can not play so well, we would like you helped them ...
are good to play?
Father's good to play?
Purple and White: Yes, hide and seek!
Med 1: And the mother?
Purple and White: Yes, with her drawing!
Med 1: Today we make a special game. The large are not so good, it takes the children to play. I will explain, so even feel the father and mother. You can play with these toys: first the father or mother, one of them, plays with you and that other parent is present there, then after a few minutes take turns, and then more after a few minutes they start to play all and two with you, then after a few minutes they still bring a few minutes to chat a bit 'and you play by themselves. We (traders) come back later and tell us how it went.
Geneva: Who starts?
Edward: It 's the same, you go first?
Geneva: Ok
Geneva offers land to play with her children.
White called his father to join them in the game.
Edward remains in place but so empathic and emotionally involved in the game but did not interfere and distract the children. Fulfilling its task is to observe the participant.
Geneva plays with his daughters and all are very involved. Build a family that comes together to celebrate the birthday of Viola. Inside the house no one was missing, there is the father, mother, all the grandmothers and grandfathers, uncles, cousins \u200b\u200band many animals.
After a very smooth start, there is a deadlock in the game as if the situation were blocked and girls begin to show some boredom and fatigue, that in fact the observation should be reported as a sign of discomfort. Edward could enter but he does, he realizes Geneva and then calls him in dance.
Geneva (to Edward): You want to come?
Edward (as he was getting up): I will come, but I do not know, wait 5 minutes, I do not know ... (gets back seated).
He feels the weight of this block. The children realize this and do something: eg. White brings toys to her father, Bianca says she's bored. Edward makes plain his anxiety and emotion in her stand out and not knowing when to enter for the change. E 'Geneva takes matters in hand expressing in words but also with the non-verbal desire that he come in, because quellaindecisione makes her feel inadequate.
Geneva (to Edward): Come, come!
Even at the Geneva on the sidelines of the parent emotionally involved with the three playing, without interfering. The game between father and children is always very coordinated. Father and daughters in the game take up the theme of the celebration of the birthday of Viola and take him on, give it a continuity. In step
hole phase 2 +1 in the third stage in which all play together, is helped by Edward Geneva that while playing with the girls invited her to enter. Geneva sits on the floor with the others and they all work together to organize this great birthday party Viola.Siamo in the fourth stage. Both parents cooperate with each other and are centratisul task maintaining a relationship with their children emotional closeness but this phase also seems never to end. Both parents continue to play with his daughters and to give continuity to the party.
Med 1 (comes into the room to turn off the unit): Do you remember the last phase of what is true?
Geneva: We must move away?
Med 1: When you want
begins the fourth phase, Geneva and Edward sit side by side to look purple and white, comment on their games and they are doing drawings on the blackboard. The focus of both is entirely directed toward parenthood.
back into the room the two mediators.
Med 1 (girls): What a nice design! You've made it to your parents and make them play as if you've gotten?
Purple and White: All right.
Med 1 (in Geneva and Edward) and 'Was it difficult?
Geneva and Edward: No.
Med 1: Look Viola, you are concerned about these two a bit ', they give you thoughts?
Viola: No.
Med 1 (girls): You have a room together? And who of you two slips in Latvian?
Viola: I do.
Med 1: You go there because you are cold or because they want to keep company to her mother?
Viola: Why I'm cold.
Med 1 (parents): What was the most difficult moment?
Geneva and Edward: There are not states.
Med 1 (a purple and white): I must say that you were very brave.
End the session with the task for girls by mediators to replace the games.
Eighth Session: brokers with Geneva and Edward talk and walk the rivisitanoalcuni seventh session videotaped.
Med1: To you what do you did the last time the meeting?
Edward: Nothing in particular, were things we had already lived though all four play together not happened very recently. E 'was nice, even for girls who have been good.
Med 1: And she Geneva?
Geneva: When I stand next to Edward I feel increasingly less as a parent. The feeling is that he is smarter, who knows how to play with girls better than me, which is sweeter than me with them. But I always played the role of what the rumbling, which was to eat, my father was playing, that when the situation gets out of hand came out with "Geneva take matters in hand," and all I had to grumble ... and this is left in me .... When we recognize that all four together feel this way.
Med 1: And how are you?
Geneva: Male.
Med 1: And how is to react?
Geneva: Some things I see, for example when you (referring to Med1) made requests to Viola, the girl looked at me as if to ask my permission to speak, as if to say: "What do I reply? "I always seem to play the same role as if he were an educator and the Edward part of the fun ...
Med 2: The part authoritarian.
Geneva: Yes, exactly. I've always had this impression and yet I have it ...
Med 1: wondering what to do when you feel this sense of inferiority.
Geneva: I put on the one hand, as I have done in recent years. Probably if I did not put aside the things could be done differently. Keep my role as that which controls, manages, rumbling, which is enough to eat and ...
Med 1: And on the role of the game, pulling back ... The fact that we stand back and get a bit 'from the inside makes them more pain to come, sense of failure, inadequacy or anger at Edward?
Geneva: A little 'both. A bit 'of anger because he has managed in one in which I have not failed.
Med 1: So is difficult to understand how to pull this part is due to the function that he forced her to have and how much is forced by itself.
Geneva: E 'a feature that I wanted too ... Otherwise I would have pulled his head ...
Med 1: We are two functions are always required, Edward she was a little' forced to have its function ... one law and one that took the game ...
Edward: I have heard so much obliged, forced ...
Med 1: In the sense of repair, compensate ...
Edward: Yes
Med 1: It 's the same thing he said in Geneva, has felt obliged to compensate for that other side ...
Geneva: I now see that the girls on the weekend with me and when I phoned my father, always so much to tell, they are happy to hear it ... when they are the father and I call it, are struggling to come to the phone The father is almost obligatory. When I call it, are considered low. And even when they were small just happened that greeted me when I went out to go to work ...
Med 1: she carries a burden that I do not think abbia niente a che fare né con le sue figliole né con Edoardo. Io non so quando lei abbia cominciato a pensare di non essere abbastanza qualche cosa, abbastanza materna, abbastanza affettiva… e tutte le volte pensa che queste differenze siano dovute alle sue incapacità, che spesso si trasformano “è colpa di quell’altro”…queste cose se le sta portando avanti da vecchia data. Questo senso di inadeguatezza io credo fosse uno dei suoi timori, sospetti, una sua idea che ce l’aveva anche prima di fare i figli…e poi questo senso di inadeguatezza la spinge a tirarsi fuori dal gioco, per esempio a lasciare lo spazio a Edoardo. Quindi mi verrebbe di dirle che le sue figlie se la salutano tranquillamente quando lei leaves the house means they are very quiet ... the fact that she does not feel this relationship with her daughters, it's his.
Med 2: To see you play together in the last session I noticed that the children refer to both. The girls hugged her father but also his mother. She (Geneva) was all there for them and this could be seen and felt they heard him ...
Med 1: We saw last time the two children with two parents who were playing ... then there are things that we want you to see, however, we have seen in the context that these two girls still refer to you two as parents in the sense that your separation had no effect on their idea of \u200b\u200bfamily and parental duties. Of course, with these two differences that are characteristic of your family, the most legislation, the most playful, so the first thing we wanted to give you back is that you did well to allow a relationship with your children so emotional and I live with both. For example, are two girls who have distorted images of each: The images that make you angry most of both of you were good at tenervele for you without making them go to their children.
Geneva and Edward confirm that they did everything to try to protect their daughters during this separation.
Med 1: Purple and White have asked for something, you have said something to each other's time?
Geneva: Viola asked if it was to come when we got here too ... I seem to mind when I said no.
Lights video and slides.
Med1: Do you remember the stage ... my mother is playing with the girls and the father is ... What is the difficulty of this game? The difficulty is that you two should be arranged without tell you, you know you should change step but nobody told you how to do it is you two that you must agree. How that happens is the deal? Is because there are a number of signs ... usually the person sitting in this position change, Edward she had put on a bit 'forward, was a bit' un annuncio, come dire “forse tocca a me, forse si può cambiare fase…”
Vedete, le bambine sono coinvolte nel gioco…
Ora questo è un altro annuncio da parte di Edoardo, interviene sul gioco dal suo posto. Il babbo si dichiara disponibile a partire però sta fermo, non parte!
Lei Ginevra, di quell’indugio, se ne è accorta e dice a Edoardo “vuoi venire, tocca a te” e Edoardo risponde “boh, non lo so, forse, non lo so”sta per alzarsi ma poi si rimette a sedere e dice “aspettiamo ancora cinque minuti”.
Ci sono poi alcuni minuti che passano e in cui non succede nulla, il gioco non va avanti, come se tutti e quattro foste ad aspettare something. This situation is blocked, a situation which is usually observed the distress of children. Children are aware of the situation and do something stuck.
Have you noticed how it happened then lift? Geneva told Edward "Come, come," ie a situation in which everything is a bit 'stuck, Geneva is activated and has resolved to "come on, come on."
This smallness is as if illustrating a mechanism that is a bit 'mind, what we said before, the functions, who fixes things while the other waits for his turn but also suggests something else, which in these gaps in which you do not decide and do nothing to decide, in these moments, in these stages, you can nest the probable and possible discomfort of your daughters. Not that you should become policy makers, for example, there is a problem now needs to be resolved immediately, but not stand around waiting for the other take the first step because then it turns out that the first step is always the Geneva because he feels as an obligation and how it works and it's not even happy with itself I did and she might not Edward's acceptance of that step would have been better ... the first time that Geneva has said "it's up to you?" you had put d 'agreement ... If you can not automatically be triggered, there is the harmony for which the transition it does so without saying it, we can decide to make the rules, for example, we decide that we exchange every three minutes of clock, or one that plays with the other children until he decides to go and at that point as it comes out the other, Or you may decide that the decision to take the other ... are rules that prevent the children feel the discomfort, however, that in this situation is small.
Med 1: What effect did you see you again?
Edward: I can think of things in the past
Med 1: In the sense of similar situations of the mechanism that I tell you?
Edward: Yes, the mechanism she said.
Geneva e Edoardo non hanno una relazione molto conflittuale, entrambi non impediscono ai figli l’accesso all’altro genitore e infatti i temi che emergono non sono tanto collegati alla conflittualità coniugale quanto al rapporto genitoriale. Ginevra ci parla del suo senso di inadeguatezza, del suo rapporto ancora di dipendenza dalla propria madre e della necessità di svincolo. Ci sono temi che ognuno di loro potrà portare in un altro contesto, più terapeutico per lavorarci sopra. Forse tutti e due devono separarsi dai rispettivi genitori e sostenere la loro responsabilità genitoriale, fare un salto generazionale e sostenere il loro progetto genitoriale.
Discussione
Questa tecnica fa sperimentare alla famiglia una situazione significativa per la loro attuale vicenda e può aiutare la ex coppia a riflettere sulle proprie difficoltà ma anche sulle proprie risorse, focalizzando l’attenzione sui figli, sui loro bisogni facilitando la creazione di un clima collaborativo e la possibilità di focalizzarsi proprio sulla responsabilità genitoriale per il raggiungimento di un accordo che sia rispettoso e tutelante per tutte le persone coinvolte.
Inoltre la videoregistrazione permette di osservare le eventuali alleanze e modalità riparative così poi da poter alla seduta successiva lavorare con la coppia genitoriale su alcuni punti e sulle loro percezioni esperienziali vissute durante phases of the game. It also allows the couple while they watch the video to get away and get outside than what they see, so you can take an external point of view, the possibility to open a different window that had been closed so far, a new opportunity to reflect on some of the ways relationship and also to produce change.
This technique allows the mediator to understand the relational models of the family, used to guide the couple in court, directing their attention to some elements that are important. Shows how each member can access the other, as parents get together in the transition from one phase to another (which is a bit ' precisely the metaphor of what then occurs during the separation) and how to deal with any imbalance that is created in the child in these steps. Sometimes being a cause of dispute between the two the very different relationship with each of them with his son, the latter's participation enables parents to observe that, despite the diversity, both modes are functional for parenting and have children strengths and weaknesses, the evaluation of which can reduce conflict and create a climate of trust which allows the cooperation and agreement is reached, because it makes them aware that we have a common interest, even if handled differently, the well the child.
But in mediation, unlike what happens in the therapeutic area, the detailed analysis of family interaction that takes place under the guidance of the Ombudsman is entrusted mainly to the couple because the intervention must be to restore an active role and responsibility in restructuring their lives. The parental couple is asked how he felt, heard, its difficulty or not at what he has lived on what has emerged from the encounter with their children. Together with the mediator that sustains and encourages this process of self-observation, the couple finds their own resources and difficulties.
The couple is to observe and plan on parental metacomunicare creating a space, unique, to go back to their parents and question their behavior. It 's interesting to note that the review makes it possible to create a connection between what each has experienced then what I now see and comment, then closing the circle by putting their own reflection in the territory of the three vertices of mediation: the experiences, behavior, this I think plywood or you and me, and what you think or have thought of you and me.
Only through this "melting pot" we enter the child's desire, understood as a set of "craving" and "function" and are unable to grasp, therefore, the meaning for him the affair separative and what his tent for the future.
While there is no desire without the child "re-see" the parents (during the meeting to attend the recording of the previous), is a child expresses needs, place and endeavor for a function and, therefore, show (unwittingly or not), their parents what "wants" them to stay in the best possible way.
All this seems to go beyond its "clearance", as it overcomes the dichotomy or with me or with you instead refers to the need for both, the necessary modulation of the difficulties, parents, to repair the hardships faced by children and from the necessary operation of recognition as co-parent.
mediation can not, by its nature, be a therapy, if anything, can be an experience in which, in addition to reach agreement, it is possible to learn and do a mode of insight.
We believe that use images on which to question and confront, is an experience that keeps these purposes.
conclusion we can reiterate what the Lausanne Triadic Play is a tool to be a part of challenging and fascinating as the other versatile and effective.
Finally, the Triadic Play, re-viewed by parents, offers an illustration of how the presence of the child and listening in Family Mediation In addition to recognizing the child be an active player in the role of family dynamics, that the right to listen and participate, laid down by legislation, is also a valuable technique that can be used by mediators to help the couple to the achievement of 'aim to keep parents do together.
This opportunity must be clearly assessed by the Ombudsman in each situation while respecting the individuality of each personal and family history.
Bibliography
- Abbagnano N. "Dictionary of Philosophy" TEA-UTET, Torino, 1971
- Ardone R., Mazzoni S. (1994) "Family Mediation. For fine adjustment of the conflict in separation and divorce "- Ed Giuffre, Milan
- Aries P. (1983) "Fathers and Sons in medieval and modern" Laterza, Bari
- I. Bernardini, F. Scaparro (Ed.) (1994) "Parents Again. Family mediation in separation "- Editori Riuniti, Rome
- C. Bogle, Bacherini AM (1998)" Divorced Kids "- Edizioni del Cerro, Pisa
- Buzzi I. (1992) "History e prospettive della Mediazione Familiare” in Quadrio A., Venini L.”Genitori e figli nelle famiglie in crisi”- Ed. Giuffré, Milano
- Canevelli F., Lucardi M. (2000) “La Mediazione Familiare. Dalla rottura del legame al riconoscimento dell’altro”- Bollati Boringhieri, Torino
- Cigoli V. (1998) “Psicologia della Separazione e del Divorzio”- Il Mulino, Bologna
- Cigoli V., Galimberti C., Mombelli M. (1988) “IL legame disperante” Raffaello Cortina, Milano
- Cigoli V., Gulotta G., Santi G. (1999) “Separazione, divorzio, affidamento children "- 2nd edition, Giuffrè Editore, Milan
- de Bernart, R., G. Francini, D. Mazzei, L. Pappalardo (1999) "When the family finishes the family can continue?" In M. Andoh (Ed.) The Crisis of the couple, R. Cortina, Milan, 1999
- De Leo G.; dell'Antoniano AM (1987) "The Child, the teenager, the law" Giuffrè, Milan, 1987
- dell'Antoniano AM (1990) "Listening to the child. The hearing of children in civil proceedings "- Ed Giuffrè, Milan
- Emery R.E. (1998) ”Il Divorzio. Rinegoziare le relazioni familiari”- Franco Angeli Ed. Milano
- Fivaz Depeursinge E., Corboz Warnery A. (2000) “Il Triangolo Primario”- Raffaello Cortina, Milano
- Francini G.; Pappalardo L.; (1994) “ La prospettiva relazionale in ambito giuridico tra consulenza ed intervento”, in G.Manfrida, R. de Bernart, J.
- D’Ascenzo, M. Cardini, (a cura di) “Psicopatologia e modelli psicoterapeutici: la prospettiva relazionale”, Wichting, Milano, 1994
- Francini G.; Gargano E. (2004) « Les enfants dans la médiation familiale de leurs parents. The utilization du "Lausanne Triadic Play 'parents-enfant dans l'interaction" in Therapie Familiale, vol.XXV, No. 1, p. 2004. 65-80
- C. Giuliani, S. Benedetti (2002) "Separation of marital and parental relationships in adulthood" in Family Therapy, No. 70, Franco Angeli, Milano, 2002
- Grendler F. (1991) "The school in the Italian Renaissance" Laterza, Bari, 1991
- R. Lombardi, M. Tafa (1988) "Listening to the child or enter into a relationship" in "Children and Justice" No 4, p.. 78-92
- Malagoli Togliatti M. (1998) “La Mediazione Familiare come intervento di sostegno alla relazione genitori-figli” in “Famiglia e Minori” n. 19 Anno X, pag.77-97
- Mazzei D. (2002) “La Mediazione familiare. IL modello simbolico trigenerazionale” Raffaello Cortina, Milano
- Richter D. (1992) “Il bambino estraneo: la nascita dell’immagine dell’infanzia nel mondo borghese” La Nuova Italia, Firenze, 1992
- Saccu C., Montanari G.(1992) “I bambini: piccoli Ulisse tra Scilla e Cariddi” in Andolfi M., Angelo C., Saccu C. “La coppia in crisi”- 3° Edizione ITF
- Zorzi A. (1993) "Rituals of youth violence in urban society of the late Middle Ages" in O. Niccoli (ed.) "Childhood", Ponte alle Grazie, Florence, 1993
Notes
1 p. Aries (1983) 2
D. Richter (1992) 3 A.
Zorzi (1993) 4
Grendler PF (1991)
5 If the defendant spouse does not appear, or if conciliation fails, the President, after consultation with the minor children, aged between 12 and 18 years, and if deemed necessary, because of their ability to judge, children under the age of 12, and taking into account the views expressed by them, gives even the office by order of the measures and temporary relief as it deems appropriate in the best interests of children and in the interests of the spouses, shall appoint the investigating judge and the hearing fixed for appearance the parties before this. The President may personally feel the child, if appropriate, on a confidential basis, or through other persons or bodies in the form it deems most appropriate. Only if the president considers that the child is heard clearly contrary to the best interests of itself, may for justified reasons, which will be mentioned in the order, deciding that the child should not be heard
6 dell'Antoniano AM (1990), De Leo G.; dell'Antoniano AM (1987), V. Cigoli, G. Gulotta, G. Santi (1983), Francini G., Pappalardo L.; (1994), R . Bernart de,, G. Francini, D. Mazzei, L. Pappalardo (1999) 7
C. Bogle, Bacherini AM (1998)
8 See in this regard: C. Giuliani, S. Benedetti (2002), Cigoli V. (1998) 9
Cigoli V., Galimberti C., M. Mombelli (1988) 10
Resume in this striking picture from an article Saccu and Montanari (1992) to which you refer.
Abbagnano 11 in N. (1971) p.. 219 N. Abbagnano
12 in (1971), p.. 422
13 A. Dell'Antoniano (1990) 14
R. Lombardi, M. Tafa (1988); Malagoli Togliatti M. (1998) 15
Ardone R., Mazzoni S. (1994), I. Bernardini, F. Scaparro (1994); Buzzi I. (1992); Canevelli F., M. Lucardi (2000), Emery RE (1998); D. Mazzei (2002) 16 D.
Mazzei (2002)
17 For a description of the tool, see: E. Fivaz Depeursinge, Corboz Warnery A. (2000) For its description in the field of Family Mediation, see: G. Francini, E. Gargano (2004)
0 comments:
Post a Comment