Pasquale Busso
Founding Director AIMS Eteropoiesi Centro Studi di Torino Past President AIMS eteropoiesi@eteropoiesi.it
Founding Director AIMS Eteropoiesi Centro Studi di Torino Past President AIMS eteropoiesi@eteropoiesi.it
"There was once a young man who lived in a fragrant pine forest. Her husband was away fighting a long war. When he was discharged, he returned home, but refused to enter because it was used to sleeping on the stones. He was day and night on his own in the woods.
The young wife was so excited when they told her that her husband would finally come home, which he started buying food and cooking plates and dishes and ciotole e ciotole di giuncata di soia e tre tipi di pesce e tre tipi di alghe e riso cosparso di pepe rosso e dei bei gamberi, grossi e color arancio.
Sorridendo timidamente, portò i cibi nel bosco e s’inginocchiò accanto al marito tanto stanco dalla guerra, e gli offrì le stupende pietanze che aveva preparato. Ma lui saltò in piedi e diede un calcio ai vassoi, sicché la giuncata si sparse per terra, il pesce volò per aria, le alghe e il riso si sparpagliarono ovunque e i grossi gamberi arancione rotolarono lungo il sentiero.
‘Lasciami stare!’ urlò e le voltò le spalle. Era tanto in collera che lei ne ebbe quasi paura. Alla fine, disperata, riuscì a raggiungere la caverna della guaritrice who lived outside the village.
'My husband is back severely disturbed by the war,' said the wife. 'Rages continuously and do not eat anything. He wants to be outside, no longer wants to live with me as before. Can you give me a potion to make a new kind and loving? ' The healer
reassured her: 'Can I do this for you, but I need a special ingredient. Unfortunately I ran out of the hair bears the crescent moon. You then climb up the mountain, find the black bear and take a nap of the crescent moon has on the throat. Then I can give you what you need, and life will return to being nice '. "(Pinkola Estes, 1993, p. 340). The relational framework
couple, who introduces the story, recalls the structure of narratives that relational mediators, counselors or psychotherapists record behind a call for help. In a conflict situation, those seeking help builds his narrative on a plot, which emphasizes the extreme contrast of the protagonist with the antagonist. The first, on the one hand, is described as proactive initiatives praiseworthy: his whole act is well-intentioned. In the case of Chinese fable, the woman is a faithful person, who has waited many years for the love and deep caring in a series of gestures to enhance your return. On the other The villain appears to be the cause of the trouble, the protagonist of the attacker. Difficult to empathize with a man who is in his wife so badly without even a shred of provocation. What emerges in the foreground is the strangeness, the illogic, the incomprehensibility of his behavior. This is even more evident in the fable of the wolf and the lamb, which are put to the fore the growing sequence of the pretexts which an attacker can use to justify their choice of aggression.
There is a view of the world exactly the antithesis of the culture in which the maximum ages of China, which states that the victim is responsible for his death. More o meno consapevolmente chi chiede aiuto sceglie di dare risalto al comportamento dell’altro attraverso l’accentuazione delle differenze riscontrate fino a considerarle come inconciliabili. Comportamento del marito e comportamento della moglie vengono considerate nell’aspetto che li distanzia, che li contrappone, tralasciando di investigare la complementarietà che lega gli opposti (Ugazio, 1998). Esaltando la prospettiva della separazione, si perde di vista come entrambi i contendenti siano responsabili dei risultati negativi derivanti dal conflitto.
Compiendo questa scelta, chi chiede aiuto evita di lasciarsi guidare dalla curiosità di conoscere direttamente dall’interessato che cosa lo muova, quale messaggio gli voglia far achieve, what you want to get through a seemingly incomprehensible behavior outside the rules or shared. Ruling out these opportunities more or less consciously, the narrator does not have the tools necessary to question the veracity of his narrative. If only he had the desire and ability to listen to the other, we would be in conditions to understand what the other person test is the meaning of his strange behavior. The lady of the story could see (we can make an assumption among many possible) of the suffering of her husband, related to the impasse could not find words to describe the conflict as experienced on his return, between the affection that binds him to her his bride and the need, developed away from her, to change the traditional roles that govern relations between men and women. Of course, the husband does not allow itself to be curious and to empathize with his wife: the logical and inevitable is finding 'the one armed against each other'. And either or both can be thought of asking for help outside the couple groped to remedy a situation which has become dangerous and intolerable.
Giorgio and Michele were married thirteen years ago, have two children (10 and 8 years). They come to the consultation, stating that we have two objectives: firstly to understand whether to stay together or separate and, secondly, to find a good deal to manage well their children at this time of crisis. Michael, only son, an engineer and worked in the family. Giorgia, married, left his hometown, and even parents and relatives. He currently works part time as a clerk in a company is not family.
Both agree on one thing: they married 'another person'. It is difficult to both understand each other's demands and hold the tension resulting from being in the trenches with the constant risk of being gunned down every time you make a proposal for a dialogue or just a truce.
In the presentation of collages (de Bernart, 1987), which expression of their ideal home, both use the photographic material in which appear only couples: children or other persons are absent. The photographs are cropped at the edges of her people, her husband give ample room for Caribbean scenery, castles, enchanted landscapes. In the commentary to the work of the other, both point out with pleasure to note how the partner has made a handsome couple, where there is love, collaboration, understanding and respect. Asked why there are no children in their ideal family, the woman responsible for deliberately excluded them because they came with all that has changed in their lives. Michael points out however that he had taken into account a white spot of the mill, but more for the atmosphere of torque for their children. In his model of the family the children are the responsibility of the mother.
Unlike in the fable, is not war an opportunity to discover that the spouses have married someone else, but the birth of their children. The result is the same, however: the dream of harmony and tested in the first three years of living together is shattered and shards reveal other aspects of falling during scotomized. The narrative of both blends the experiential data about the choice that the unpleasant aspects of the partner, violating the agreement as a couple, are the cause of the collapse of well-being. Accepted this excuse, every complaint, every allegation, every retaliation may be justified. Giorgia
: 'When was Antonio (first child), he was not there, because for business reasons had to spend a few days out of town. One says, 'patience, to recover during the holidays that are coming'. Come the holidays and he'll organize a reunion of his entire family along with my parents. Of course, in their villa in Sardinia, for what you go to spend, when you have so many opportunities available. '
'However, I think, in many ... give me a hand. Instead I find myself not only to give to nurse and change diapers all summer, but also to feed the whole tribe. Of course there is also the maid, charity. But what does he do? A holiday full of commitments: the early morning a ride on the beach, then the sail, then golf in the afternoon and evening with friends to talk business and politics. For us, time together with all meals and sleep at night he and I to give the feedings while he was snoring, tired '.
Michele: 'At that time we were in a difficult time for the job. I could not give me a moment of distraction. The children arrived at the worst time. I am committed to doing my part to maximum, counting that you would do the same. If I had not rested during the holidays, I would not be right. However, it is gone hurt the same '.
Anyone who sets out to listen to stories like this is aimed to share the strategy of the narrator, and then driven to become an ally. Narratives like those of Michael and George are mainly based on the acceptance of the following conditions:
· the antagonist is no longer as before, because something has upset him or something has changed;
· what has happened has not to do with the relationship between the protagonist and antagonist;
· in harmony with the commitments made to each other, we must do something to get it back on itself, since it is possible.
The narrative structure to make it difficult the listener to ask questions that go beyond the conditions listed above or by simply wonder if the story was not omitted something or something has not been deformed beyond the intentions. Obviously, the horizon of meaning is even more closed, when the awareness of this gap becomes the basis for the choice of separation.
Faced with the request if it has notified its difficulties Michele, Giorgio explains how it is addressed to his mother-in-law, given the excellent partnership between Michael and his mother. 'He's an only child. I expected her to give me a hand, but she was convinced that it was necessary to wait, because Michael was in a time when he could not be disturbed. I've been patient so long as I could. Now do not take it anymore '. Giorgia
Three months before her husband announced his intention to separate. Since then her husband has changed behavior, but not as Giorgia wanted. 'It has interfered in our lives. He is interested in continuation of us, call us at any time to me and my children. E 'became a persecution. Takes my breath away '.
Michele: 'Every now and Giorgia complained, but, I thought, you know ... women. Then one day he comes with such a statement. I wondered who I was dealing with. Did not recognize her anymore. Of course some time was in dispute with my mother. However, what can I do this ... that's his problem, and I get along with my mother '.
The extrapolation of the salient features of their narratives emphasizes how their views are exactly antithetical. However, what most concerns our discussion is that neither of them, even if he speaks of the other, you really pay attention. In fact, each one continues to deal with the internal image of the partner, giving it greater truth value of the data which he derives from the words of the interlocutor. These are not being heard, but only the stimulus for an internal conflict between their identity and altered ego represented by the partners. Being aware that the other is not what it first does not necessarily mean the person to question the idea that if it was done in the past. Like a fly against a toiling invisible glass, each of the contenders is so determined to save his narration because, in this narrative, between the natural functions of language, and self-objectification (Ricoeur, 1990), the second value is assigned frame. This operation comes to those of subjective objectivity operations, such as the selection and harmonization of data (Jaynes, 1976), which give meaning to experience, organized around an identity and its stakeholders.
The continuation of the story of the Chinese fable has, in my opinion, some ideas not only to psychotherapy (the closest setting), but also to mediation. The healer does not deal specifically to heal her husband, while accepting the words of a move in that direction. Proposes a remedy that requires the wife of an ingredient, the hair bears the crescent moon, without which you can prepare what is needed from the lady to her husband to his senses. She is the lady to move by proxy. When the lady comes back, "Well," said the healer with a smile. He looked closely at the woman and took the white hair and looked at the light. He weighed the long hair in one hand, he measured it with his finger, and said, 'Yes! It 's a real fur bears the crescent moon'. Then suddenly he turned and threw the hair into the fire, which crackled and burned in a bright orange flame.
'No!' screamed the woman. 'What did you do?'
'Calm down. That's fine. It 's all right,' said the healer. 'Do you remember everything you did to climb the mountain? Remember everything you have done to win the confidence of the crescent moon bear? Remember what you saw, what you hear, what you hear? '
'Yes', she said, 'I remember it very well'.
The old healer smiled sweetly and said, 'Now, please, my daughter comes home with this new knowledge and behaved in the same way with your husband' (Pinkola Estes, 1993, p. 343).
The request to go and get the hair bears the crescent moon symbol can be interpreted as a path that leads the protagonist to regain a positive relationship with aspects of himself always avoided or denied, yet powerfully invoked by the behavior of her husband. In this context one of the messages we can draw from this story is that you can not evolve a conflict if you do not create new relationships with their contradictory experiential those areas, by where the conflict has resulted. Even taking into account the difference between mediation and the setting of the healer, I do not think you can ignore the proposal of wisdom that emanates from this story. Mediation does not target the learning ability of staff to enable the customer to positively face the challenge of evolution of contradiction and opposition, or to understand what unites opposites and harmonious strategies to promote this perception of conflict. The aim of mediation is primarily to achieve a pragmatic agreement. However it has not escaped many mediators (Bassoli, Mariotti, Frison (1999), Buss (2001), Emery (1998), Mazzei (2002), Morineau (2000)) la necessità di proporre modelli di mediazione, in cui il livello simbolico dell’esperienza sia parte integrante del processo negoziale.
Proprio perché la mediazione non sia un vuoto rituale, è necessario che durante il percorso negoziale venga testata la capacità dei protagonisti di porsi in un atteggiamento di ascolto di quelle parti dell’interlocutore, che altrimenti lavorerebbero per rendere formale e inefficace l’accordo raggiunto. E nella mediazione famigliare soprattutto quando le problematiche di coppia tendono a scaricarsi sul piano genitoriale.
In un precedente lavoro ho presentato il percorso di mediazione di riparazione (Busso, 2001), che, sulla scia della proposta of Morineau, brings victim and offender to meet as individuals through attention to the suffering of others. In fact, the victim and aggressor moves to change the relational model of confrontation, which led to conflict in a relationship of respect and curiosity, which rises to the dignity of the other party. The work of mediation with couples caught up in a hopeless relationship led me to consider mediation as an integral part of the relationship, even in cases of separation, just get in touch with all those negative which is structured around the conflict, chronic. This is not working on these experiences as you work in psychotherapy. It is simply to drive actors to get in touch with what they have always refused. The awareness of the 'black hole' of the other, and what it involves personal choice as the appearance on the threshold of that void distressing, often both moving toward a decision terminating the unnerving oscillation between the leave and the remain. If this happens, both players are in the position of women in the fable. They can mediate, as being in sufficient autonomy.
With an example I will illustrate what I have briefly explained. Joan is 41 years old, married mother of two daughters, is with her husband for a consultation: they must know whether to continue to stay together or separate. In the summer prior to the consultation, during the holidays, Joan tells the husband's intention to separate, because it feels more in love with him. Nevertheless decides to end the holiday without communicating anything to their daughters or relatives, since Alberto asks for some 'time to think. Terminate the holidays, do not return to the topic before Christmas, when Albert announced that he is tired of this situation and want the separation to begin with after the Christmas holidays. Joan reacts negatively to this proposal. She says she does not feel ready for this step. Mature so the decision to come to mediation. Decision taken in accordance with their psychotherapists. I do not consider essential
present all the marital history of Joan and Albert. It will present a few excerpts, useful for understanding the process that leads to Giovanna and Alberto decide.
"I realize that the appearance of Alberto in my family life ... I have the impression that, on the one hand there is my family life and then, sometimes, Alberto appears on the scene and that's always very disturbing, a bad impact . To use a metaphor or a story, like there's a nice story, where we did our thing and then, at some point comes the ogre ... And from that moment on I became increasingly irrelevant, as if from that moment I no longer had my space, not communicating with my children, not more my thing. "
" As we are in similar situations, without their own space ...? "
" You are wrong ... in remembering what you had and now no longer. Let's say you're wrong ... there is a feeling of fear and also a feeling of anger caused by the fact that you are afraid to hear. "
" It 's like at this time she said to Alberto:' I fear thee and therefore also rage '. "
"Yes, that's ..."
"You would hope that Alberto will approach these feelings of fear and anger?"
"Yes, I would ... but ... "
" Alberto has made some attempt to approach? "
" Alberto has made one just this morning ... "The lady said as we both ran into difficulties in school to send his youngest daughter, who always makes time stories. She would have liked to help and a comparison. However the way in which Albert has proposed is what always makes her mad.
We both asked if the episode of the morning can be a prime example of their relationship. Both agree that it is and can be useful to go over in slow motion to allow yourself the opportunity to know what lies behind the facade of hostility.
"would desire to know what moves Alberto to show so different from what you expect?"
"I know it has always been a selfish, thinking only of himself."
E 'an obvious answer, which responds to the stereotype of Alberto internalized by Giovanna. Why can mediate the two must find a way for genuine dialogue. Otherwise you risk to create a dialogue partner with the stereotypes of the certain result of a mere agreement of the facade. If you drive, the people have the ability to access resources that positive change in the path of mediation.
"I do not answer from memory. He noted that Alberto was excited as she spoke? Lo guardi. Che cosa c’è dietro quegli occhi umidi di lacrime?”
“Ad essere sincera non ci avevo badato … tristezza?… rabbia? … non saprei.”
“Si dia il tempo necessario, non abbia fretta…”
Dopo qualche ulteriore divagazione Giovanna ha un sussulto nell’istante in cui incrocia lo sguardo angosciato di Alberto e dice: “Capisco … ho intravisto una realtà che non so se mi va di conoscere. Improvvisamente mi sento mancare la volontà di continuare con lui. Mi angoscia, ma sento che è meglio così”.
“Non abbia fretta di decidere. Registri i dettagli di questa esperienza e lasci che questa lavori per una decisione adeguata.”
Il lavoro con Alberto porta a risultati analoghi: egli prende coscienza che nel suo futuro non c’è spazio per Giovanna. In specifico, nel momento in cui prende coscienza di come possa stare Giovanna di fronte al suo muoversi distaccato e freddo, Alberto rimane visibilmente turbato. Si scuote come per distrarsi.
“Torni da dove è fuggito, non abbia paura. Dedichi qualche tempo a considerare se desidera inoltrarsi, se può essere utile per lei, per la sua evoluzione incontrare quegli aspetti di Giovanna, se sia attraente pensare di sposarli… o no… Metta a memoria ogni dettaglio…”
“Mi è molto chiaro… non l’avevo mai compreso in questo modo...”, sighed deeply and remained silent for a minute.
ask for a little 'time to think. After about a month called back to begin mediation.
The steps of the trail are very close to those proposed by the healer to the woman at the end of the story. If there are resources, if everyone has their own way with psychotherapy or other means, we have to contextualize these experiences in the here and now of the marital relationship.
'Do you remember everything you did to climb the mountain?' The subject is simply to recover what led up to him, what he is required to hold a difficult and contradictory situation. The setting is sufficient to mediate help the players to make better use of all resources as soon as you establish an emotional level for a long time avoided. In our case, when Giovanna and Alberto make eye contact with all the burdens of their contradictory emotions.
'Remember everything you have done to win the confidence of the crescent moon bear?' The route taken to take charge of its own shares is yet to humanize the resource persons can not access to download the chosen partner can not be delegated to others. The most substantial guarantee for the respect of the agreement lies in the ability of each partner to manage their emotional side, without let themselves be dragged by resonances stimulated by the behavior. "I glimpsed a reality that I do not know if I want to know. Suddenly I feel lacking the will to continue with him. " For a moment the game of buck stops.
'Remember what you saw, what you hear, what you hear?' The way to access these resources has to be approximate and general, but precise contextual and anchored to data based on sensory perceptions, and the territory of the experience, not on the map description.
Finally, I will first of all to remember that a mediation model must specify the type of correlation between narration ed esperienza e, a livello metodologico, deve esplicitare il percorso attraverso il quale questa correlazione si invera.
In secondo luogo, credo che la mediazione relazionale sia un percorso efficacemente praticabile, quando i soggetti si dimostrano in grado di recuperare la capacità di ascolto dell’altro nella sua diversità, rinunciando a far dipendere il proprio benessere dal comportamento dell’altro. Di fatto la struttura narrativa di entrambi i partner, durante il percorso di mediazione deve andare gradualmente a modificarsi. Protagonista e antagonista, aggressore e vittima devono lasciare il posto a soggetti che si scoprono diversi dalle precedenti aspettative e, attraverso il percorso della mediazione, decidono di trovare forme nuove organizational relationships in terms of common goals, clearly specified.
Bibliiografia
The young wife was so excited when they told her that her husband would finally come home, which he started buying food and cooking plates and dishes and ciotole e ciotole di giuncata di soia e tre tipi di pesce e tre tipi di alghe e riso cosparso di pepe rosso e dei bei gamberi, grossi e color arancio.
Sorridendo timidamente, portò i cibi nel bosco e s’inginocchiò accanto al marito tanto stanco dalla guerra, e gli offrì le stupende pietanze che aveva preparato. Ma lui saltò in piedi e diede un calcio ai vassoi, sicché la giuncata si sparse per terra, il pesce volò per aria, le alghe e il riso si sparpagliarono ovunque e i grossi gamberi arancione rotolarono lungo il sentiero.
‘Lasciami stare!’ urlò e le voltò le spalle. Era tanto in collera che lei ne ebbe quasi paura. Alla fine, disperata, riuscì a raggiungere la caverna della guaritrice who lived outside the village.
'My husband is back severely disturbed by the war,' said the wife. 'Rages continuously and do not eat anything. He wants to be outside, no longer wants to live with me as before. Can you give me a potion to make a new kind and loving? ' The healer
reassured her: 'Can I do this for you, but I need a special ingredient. Unfortunately I ran out of the hair bears the crescent moon. You then climb up the mountain, find the black bear and take a nap of the crescent moon has on the throat. Then I can give you what you need, and life will return to being nice '. "(Pinkola Estes, 1993, p. 340). The relational framework
couple, who introduces the story, recalls the structure of narratives that relational mediators, counselors or psychotherapists record behind a call for help. In a conflict situation, those seeking help builds his narrative on a plot, which emphasizes the extreme contrast of the protagonist with the antagonist. The first, on the one hand, is described as proactive initiatives praiseworthy: his whole act is well-intentioned. In the case of Chinese fable, the woman is a faithful person, who has waited many years for the love and deep caring in a series of gestures to enhance your return. On the other The villain appears to be the cause of the trouble, the protagonist of the attacker. Difficult to empathize with a man who is in his wife so badly without even a shred of provocation. What emerges in the foreground is the strangeness, the illogic, the incomprehensibility of his behavior. This is even more evident in the fable of the wolf and the lamb, which are put to the fore the growing sequence of the pretexts which an attacker can use to justify their choice of aggression.
There is a view of the world exactly the antithesis of the culture in which the maximum ages of China, which states that the victim is responsible for his death. More o meno consapevolmente chi chiede aiuto sceglie di dare risalto al comportamento dell’altro attraverso l’accentuazione delle differenze riscontrate fino a considerarle come inconciliabili. Comportamento del marito e comportamento della moglie vengono considerate nell’aspetto che li distanzia, che li contrappone, tralasciando di investigare la complementarietà che lega gli opposti (Ugazio, 1998). Esaltando la prospettiva della separazione, si perde di vista come entrambi i contendenti siano responsabili dei risultati negativi derivanti dal conflitto.
Compiendo questa scelta, chi chiede aiuto evita di lasciarsi guidare dalla curiosità di conoscere direttamente dall’interessato che cosa lo muova, quale messaggio gli voglia far achieve, what you want to get through a seemingly incomprehensible behavior outside the rules or shared. Ruling out these opportunities more or less consciously, the narrator does not have the tools necessary to question the veracity of his narrative. If only he had the desire and ability to listen to the other, we would be in conditions to understand what the other person test is the meaning of his strange behavior. The lady of the story could see (we can make an assumption among many possible) of the suffering of her husband, related to the impasse could not find words to describe the conflict as experienced on his return, between the affection that binds him to her his bride and the need, developed away from her, to change the traditional roles that govern relations between men and women. Of course, the husband does not allow itself to be curious and to empathize with his wife: the logical and inevitable is finding 'the one armed against each other'. And either or both can be thought of asking for help outside the couple groped to remedy a situation which has become dangerous and intolerable.
Giorgio and Michele were married thirteen years ago, have two children (10 and 8 years). They come to the consultation, stating that we have two objectives: firstly to understand whether to stay together or separate and, secondly, to find a good deal to manage well their children at this time of crisis. Michael, only son, an engineer and worked in the family. Giorgia, married, left his hometown, and even parents and relatives. He currently works part time as a clerk in a company is not family.
Both agree on one thing: they married 'another person'. It is difficult to both understand each other's demands and hold the tension resulting from being in the trenches with the constant risk of being gunned down every time you make a proposal for a dialogue or just a truce.
In the presentation of collages (de Bernart, 1987), which expression of their ideal home, both use the photographic material in which appear only couples: children or other persons are absent. The photographs are cropped at the edges of her people, her husband give ample room for Caribbean scenery, castles, enchanted landscapes. In the commentary to the work of the other, both point out with pleasure to note how the partner has made a handsome couple, where there is love, collaboration, understanding and respect. Asked why there are no children in their ideal family, the woman responsible for deliberately excluded them because they came with all that has changed in their lives. Michael points out however that he had taken into account a white spot of the mill, but more for the atmosphere of torque for their children. In his model of the family the children are the responsibility of the mother.
Unlike in the fable, is not war an opportunity to discover that the spouses have married someone else, but the birth of their children. The result is the same, however: the dream of harmony and tested in the first three years of living together is shattered and shards reveal other aspects of falling during scotomized. The narrative of both blends the experiential data about the choice that the unpleasant aspects of the partner, violating the agreement as a couple, are the cause of the collapse of well-being. Accepted this excuse, every complaint, every allegation, every retaliation may be justified. Giorgia
: 'When was Antonio (first child), he was not there, because for business reasons had to spend a few days out of town. One says, 'patience, to recover during the holidays that are coming'. Come the holidays and he'll organize a reunion of his entire family along with my parents. Of course, in their villa in Sardinia, for what you go to spend, when you have so many opportunities available. '
'However, I think, in many ... give me a hand. Instead I find myself not only to give to nurse and change diapers all summer, but also to feed the whole tribe. Of course there is also the maid, charity. But what does he do? A holiday full of commitments: the early morning a ride on the beach, then the sail, then golf in the afternoon and evening with friends to talk business and politics. For us, time together with all meals and sleep at night he and I to give the feedings while he was snoring, tired '.
Michele: 'At that time we were in a difficult time for the job. I could not give me a moment of distraction. The children arrived at the worst time. I am committed to doing my part to maximum, counting that you would do the same. If I had not rested during the holidays, I would not be right. However, it is gone hurt the same '.
Anyone who sets out to listen to stories like this is aimed to share the strategy of the narrator, and then driven to become an ally. Narratives like those of Michael and George are mainly based on the acceptance of the following conditions:
· the antagonist is no longer as before, because something has upset him or something has changed;
· what has happened has not to do with the relationship between the protagonist and antagonist;
· in harmony with the commitments made to each other, we must do something to get it back on itself, since it is possible.
The narrative structure to make it difficult the listener to ask questions that go beyond the conditions listed above or by simply wonder if the story was not omitted something or something has not been deformed beyond the intentions. Obviously, the horizon of meaning is even more closed, when the awareness of this gap becomes the basis for the choice of separation.
Faced with the request if it has notified its difficulties Michele, Giorgio explains how it is addressed to his mother-in-law, given the excellent partnership between Michael and his mother. 'He's an only child. I expected her to give me a hand, but she was convinced that it was necessary to wait, because Michael was in a time when he could not be disturbed. I've been patient so long as I could. Now do not take it anymore '. Giorgia
Three months before her husband announced his intention to separate. Since then her husband has changed behavior, but not as Giorgia wanted. 'It has interfered in our lives. He is interested in continuation of us, call us at any time to me and my children. E 'became a persecution. Takes my breath away '.
Michele: 'Every now and Giorgia complained, but, I thought, you know ... women. Then one day he comes with such a statement. I wondered who I was dealing with. Did not recognize her anymore. Of course some time was in dispute with my mother. However, what can I do this ... that's his problem, and I get along with my mother '.
The extrapolation of the salient features of their narratives emphasizes how their views are exactly antithetical. However, what most concerns our discussion is that neither of them, even if he speaks of the other, you really pay attention. In fact, each one continues to deal with the internal image of the partner, giving it greater truth value of the data which he derives from the words of the interlocutor. These are not being heard, but only the stimulus for an internal conflict between their identity and altered ego represented by the partners. Being aware that the other is not what it first does not necessarily mean the person to question the idea that if it was done in the past. Like a fly against a toiling invisible glass, each of the contenders is so determined to save his narration because, in this narrative, between the natural functions of language, and self-objectification (Ricoeur, 1990), the second value is assigned frame. This operation comes to those of subjective objectivity operations, such as the selection and harmonization of data (Jaynes, 1976), which give meaning to experience, organized around an identity and its stakeholders.
The continuation of the story of the Chinese fable has, in my opinion, some ideas not only to psychotherapy (the closest setting), but also to mediation. The healer does not deal specifically to heal her husband, while accepting the words of a move in that direction. Proposes a remedy that requires the wife of an ingredient, the hair bears the crescent moon, without which you can prepare what is needed from the lady to her husband to his senses. She is the lady to move by proxy. When the lady comes back, "Well," said the healer with a smile. He looked closely at the woman and took the white hair and looked at the light. He weighed the long hair in one hand, he measured it with his finger, and said, 'Yes! It 's a real fur bears the crescent moon'. Then suddenly he turned and threw the hair into the fire, which crackled and burned in a bright orange flame.
'No!' screamed the woman. 'What did you do?'
'Calm down. That's fine. It 's all right,' said the healer. 'Do you remember everything you did to climb the mountain? Remember everything you have done to win the confidence of the crescent moon bear? Remember what you saw, what you hear, what you hear? '
'Yes', she said, 'I remember it very well'.
The old healer smiled sweetly and said, 'Now, please, my daughter comes home with this new knowledge and behaved in the same way with your husband' (Pinkola Estes, 1993, p. 343).
The request to go and get the hair bears the crescent moon symbol can be interpreted as a path that leads the protagonist to regain a positive relationship with aspects of himself always avoided or denied, yet powerfully invoked by the behavior of her husband. In this context one of the messages we can draw from this story is that you can not evolve a conflict if you do not create new relationships with their contradictory experiential those areas, by where the conflict has resulted. Even taking into account the difference between mediation and the setting of the healer, I do not think you can ignore the proposal of wisdom that emanates from this story. Mediation does not target the learning ability of staff to enable the customer to positively face the challenge of evolution of contradiction and opposition, or to understand what unites opposites and harmonious strategies to promote this perception of conflict. The aim of mediation is primarily to achieve a pragmatic agreement. However it has not escaped many mediators (Bassoli, Mariotti, Frison (1999), Buss (2001), Emery (1998), Mazzei (2002), Morineau (2000)) la necessità di proporre modelli di mediazione, in cui il livello simbolico dell’esperienza sia parte integrante del processo negoziale.
Proprio perché la mediazione non sia un vuoto rituale, è necessario che durante il percorso negoziale venga testata la capacità dei protagonisti di porsi in un atteggiamento di ascolto di quelle parti dell’interlocutore, che altrimenti lavorerebbero per rendere formale e inefficace l’accordo raggiunto. E nella mediazione famigliare soprattutto quando le problematiche di coppia tendono a scaricarsi sul piano genitoriale.
In un precedente lavoro ho presentato il percorso di mediazione di riparazione (Busso, 2001), che, sulla scia della proposta of Morineau, brings victim and offender to meet as individuals through attention to the suffering of others. In fact, the victim and aggressor moves to change the relational model of confrontation, which led to conflict in a relationship of respect and curiosity, which rises to the dignity of the other party. The work of mediation with couples caught up in a hopeless relationship led me to consider mediation as an integral part of the relationship, even in cases of separation, just get in touch with all those negative which is structured around the conflict, chronic. This is not working on these experiences as you work in psychotherapy. It is simply to drive actors to get in touch with what they have always refused. The awareness of the 'black hole' of the other, and what it involves personal choice as the appearance on the threshold of that void distressing, often both moving toward a decision terminating the unnerving oscillation between the leave and the remain. If this happens, both players are in the position of women in the fable. They can mediate, as being in sufficient autonomy.
With an example I will illustrate what I have briefly explained. Joan is 41 years old, married mother of two daughters, is with her husband for a consultation: they must know whether to continue to stay together or separate. In the summer prior to the consultation, during the holidays, Joan tells the husband's intention to separate, because it feels more in love with him. Nevertheless decides to end the holiday without communicating anything to their daughters or relatives, since Alberto asks for some 'time to think. Terminate the holidays, do not return to the topic before Christmas, when Albert announced that he is tired of this situation and want the separation to begin with after the Christmas holidays. Joan reacts negatively to this proposal. She says she does not feel ready for this step. Mature so the decision to come to mediation. Decision taken in accordance with their psychotherapists. I do not consider essential
present all the marital history of Joan and Albert. It will present a few excerpts, useful for understanding the process that leads to Giovanna and Alberto decide.
"I realize that the appearance of Alberto in my family life ... I have the impression that, on the one hand there is my family life and then, sometimes, Alberto appears on the scene and that's always very disturbing, a bad impact . To use a metaphor or a story, like there's a nice story, where we did our thing and then, at some point comes the ogre ... And from that moment on I became increasingly irrelevant, as if from that moment I no longer had my space, not communicating with my children, not more my thing. "
" As we are in similar situations, without their own space ...? "
" You are wrong ... in remembering what you had and now no longer. Let's say you're wrong ... there is a feeling of fear and also a feeling of anger caused by the fact that you are afraid to hear. "
" It 's like at this time she said to Alberto:' I fear thee and therefore also rage '. "
"Yes, that's ..."
"You would hope that Alberto will approach these feelings of fear and anger?"
"Yes, I would ... but ... "
" Alberto has made some attempt to approach? "
" Alberto has made one just this morning ... "The lady said as we both ran into difficulties in school to send his youngest daughter, who always makes time stories. She would have liked to help and a comparison. However the way in which Albert has proposed is what always makes her mad.
We both asked if the episode of the morning can be a prime example of their relationship. Both agree that it is and can be useful to go over in slow motion to allow yourself the opportunity to know what lies behind the facade of hostility.
"would desire to know what moves Alberto to show so different from what you expect?"
"I know it has always been a selfish, thinking only of himself."
E 'an obvious answer, which responds to the stereotype of Alberto internalized by Giovanna. Why can mediate the two must find a way for genuine dialogue. Otherwise you risk to create a dialogue partner with the stereotypes of the certain result of a mere agreement of the facade. If you drive, the people have the ability to access resources that positive change in the path of mediation.
"I do not answer from memory. He noted that Alberto was excited as she spoke? Lo guardi. Che cosa c’è dietro quegli occhi umidi di lacrime?”
“Ad essere sincera non ci avevo badato … tristezza?… rabbia? … non saprei.”
“Si dia il tempo necessario, non abbia fretta…”
Dopo qualche ulteriore divagazione Giovanna ha un sussulto nell’istante in cui incrocia lo sguardo angosciato di Alberto e dice: “Capisco … ho intravisto una realtà che non so se mi va di conoscere. Improvvisamente mi sento mancare la volontà di continuare con lui. Mi angoscia, ma sento che è meglio così”.
“Non abbia fretta di decidere. Registri i dettagli di questa esperienza e lasci che questa lavori per una decisione adeguata.”
Il lavoro con Alberto porta a risultati analoghi: egli prende coscienza che nel suo futuro non c’è spazio per Giovanna. In specifico, nel momento in cui prende coscienza di come possa stare Giovanna di fronte al suo muoversi distaccato e freddo, Alberto rimane visibilmente turbato. Si scuote come per distrarsi.
“Torni da dove è fuggito, non abbia paura. Dedichi qualche tempo a considerare se desidera inoltrarsi, se può essere utile per lei, per la sua evoluzione incontrare quegli aspetti di Giovanna, se sia attraente pensare di sposarli… o no… Metta a memoria ogni dettaglio…”
“Mi è molto chiaro… non l’avevo mai compreso in questo modo...”, sighed deeply and remained silent for a minute.
ask for a little 'time to think. After about a month called back to begin mediation.
The steps of the trail are very close to those proposed by the healer to the woman at the end of the story. If there are resources, if everyone has their own way with psychotherapy or other means, we have to contextualize these experiences in the here and now of the marital relationship.
'Do you remember everything you did to climb the mountain?' The subject is simply to recover what led up to him, what he is required to hold a difficult and contradictory situation. The setting is sufficient to mediate help the players to make better use of all resources as soon as you establish an emotional level for a long time avoided. In our case, when Giovanna and Alberto make eye contact with all the burdens of their contradictory emotions.
'Remember everything you have done to win the confidence of the crescent moon bear?' The route taken to take charge of its own shares is yet to humanize the resource persons can not access to download the chosen partner can not be delegated to others. The most substantial guarantee for the respect of the agreement lies in the ability of each partner to manage their emotional side, without let themselves be dragged by resonances stimulated by the behavior. "I glimpsed a reality that I do not know if I want to know. Suddenly I feel lacking the will to continue with him. " For a moment the game of buck stops.
'Remember what you saw, what you hear, what you hear?' The way to access these resources has to be approximate and general, but precise contextual and anchored to data based on sensory perceptions, and the territory of the experience, not on the map description.
Finally, I will first of all to remember that a mediation model must specify the type of correlation between narration ed esperienza e, a livello metodologico, deve esplicitare il percorso attraverso il quale questa correlazione si invera.
In secondo luogo, credo che la mediazione relazionale sia un percorso efficacemente praticabile, quando i soggetti si dimostrano in grado di recuperare la capacità di ascolto dell’altro nella sua diversità, rinunciando a far dipendere il proprio benessere dal comportamento dell’altro. Di fatto la struttura narrativa di entrambi i partner, durante il percorso di mediazione deve andare gradualmente a modificarsi. Protagonista e antagonista, aggressore e vittima devono lasciare il posto a soggetti che si scoprono diversi dalle precedenti aspettative e, attraverso il percorso della mediazione, decidono di trovare forme nuove organizational relationships in terms of common goals, clearly specified.
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