How Do You Get Mud Off Suede Boots

FAMILY MEDIATION AND BEYOND ...

Aldo Mattucci

psychiatrist, psychotherapist, family mediator Director ITFV Teaching ITFF of Florence and the Veneto Consultant for the Court and Treasurer State Board AIMS aldo.mattucci @ tiscali.it

My personal interest in family mediation is the result of clinicacon couples and families who habitually carries within dell'IstitutoVeneto Family Therapy (ITFV) and the work of research and riflessionecon colleagues in the same school and with those of many other Centricon which, since 1995, the share belonging all'AssociazioneInternazionale Systemic Mediators (AIMS). I could say that the first approccioalla mediation was the result of an operational need, ovverola result of the search for more suitable to be a way of proceeding is to provide an adequate response to soaring aiutopervenute of requests from couples in crisis or in the process of separation, all'incrementoconsiderevole both applications support to children and especially adolescents chestanno experiencing the negative effects of conflict management separazionetra parents. Approaching family mediation has resulted in clinical daun'esperienza then proved unsuitable, sometimes rather unproductive, in addressing the suffering above all related to the separation esuccessivamente difficulties which occurred after the marital breakdown, "to implement forms of collaboration with the former spouse pergarantire the exercise of parental function (Scabini, Cigoli2000, 213) in the interests of children. Among other things, confirms that the issues related to separation and aldivorzio were becoming increasingly pronounced in praticaquotidiana importance of numerous professional training came from growing richiestadi da parte degli operatori dei servizi socio-sanitari, dei legali,dei giudici e anche da parte di psicoterapeuti privati, tutti alle prese conla specificità delle dinamiche che caratterizzano le varie fasi del processodi separazione. La mediazione familiare è uno degli interventi possibili, ma è indubbiamentequello più indicato nei contesti di elevata conflittualità, durantel’articolato e complesso processo della separazione coniugale, che va acollocarsi in un nuovo campo d’intervento quale è quello psico-giuridico.Il mediatore si va a situare così in una “delicata area intermediatra contesto giuridico-legale e contesto psicoterapeutico” (Aurilio, 1998,73). This area could be redefined as a way in which "social ilcorpo" provides help to families in overcoming dellatransizione (Scabini, squeaks, 2000, 204), or in dealing with "lafine of the covenant (marriage) knowing lead except that in the bond "(Scabini, squeaks, op. cit., 203), which is essential to protect the passage generazionaleattraverso joint care of children. The family assistance "may take the form of gift-sostegnoche ranging from the implementation of family mediation groups mutuoaiuto up counseling and psychotherapy clinic, and forms protezionedel of damage, such as technical advice given to the court and spaces neutrid'incontro. These forms are activated when there is no space didialogo constructive family "(Scabini, squeaks, op. Cit., 204). In lorocomplesso, all these aid modalities are to control an operation called campodi psicogiuridico, which requires knowledge and formativispecifici paths. It is indeed possible, as in the past, that area operarein thinking simply transfer the knowledge gained inaltri fields, such as psychotherapy or psychiatric or psychological or legal, although there are traces of this mentality even in the present. Insintesi, you can not improvise expert in dellaseparazione and divorce.

Definition: What is family mediation?
At a recent meeting of the European Forum of family mediation, there was a confrontation between the different definitions that some Italian and European centers used to define the family mediation, with the aim of emphasizing on the one hand and sort of common elements, and by 'else to make a comparison on any differences. Well, it was found that the positions of the centers, which have been working in the field and in the past had been marked by contrasts and sometimes closed, appear much closer than before, while the differences seem more related to different areas of research, rather than rigid positions "of the parish."
For brevity, I shall refer to the definition of mediation in the Regulation dell'AIMS:
· is a way help the family before, during and after laseparazione or divorce;
· it aims to offer an ex-spouse contended strutturatoe protected where practical and lasting agreements reached on some decisions, such as custody and education of children, periods of visitadel non-custodial parent, the organization of leisure time, the division deibeni;
• The course is led by a professional , as a third imparzialee with specific training, aiuta i due genitori ad elaborare gli accordi;
· si colloca al di fuori del contesto giudiziario ed avviene nella garanziadel segreto professionale;
· l’intervento viene effettuato con entrambi i partner e, quandoil mediatore lo ritenga necessario, anche con i figli, riconoscendo il ruoloattivo che essi svolgono all’interno della dinamica familiare;
· si articola in un numero limitato di incontri, in media 10-12, compresigli eventuali incontri di follow-up, della durata di 90-120 minuti l’uno.
“Il modello sistemico, tenendo conto dell’intero sistema familiare,propone una lettura complessa della dinamica relazionale che ruota intorno alconflitto e adotta un approccio interdisciplinare stimulating dialogue and lasinergia-operation between professionals of different scope, psychological, social giuridicoe "(Regulation AIMS).
Family mediation system from a few basic principles summarized as follows:
· "conflittonelle awareness of the inevitability of human relationships and the consequent need to enhance the aspetticostruttivi and evolutionary in order to promote the harmonious growth of the systems of their individual members; • Import
to expand the coverage to all systems coinvoltinella dynamics of conflict;
· need to limit the objectives of mediation to raggiungimentodegli agreements, respecting the complexity of historical events and degliintrecci relational "(Buss, 2001b, 26).
To better understand the main points succinctly set out above, it should consider and develop some of the many issues that the subject calls for, such as: the construction of the couple, the conflict, the protection of parenthood, separation, be mediated in the conflict, the intervention techniques.

The construction of the pair
There are numerous studies that deal with the relationship between individuals, couples and studying the various ways that bring two people of opposite sexes to meet in order to create a pair. Among others, it seems significant by a contribution of Paolo Menghi to Congress "The Family in Crisis" (1988). The author
inability to answer the question many are asking about the normality or otherwise of their own choice of torque and is therefore proposed to refer to better understand what makes two people to meet and then work more or less adequately, "the continuity of a process, where a way of relating to a case may represent a dimension to capture, in another dimension as to leave" (Meng, 1988, 47). Like saying that every situation must be assessed for aspects of originality manifests for both elements of discontinuity that has compared to the evolutionary process in place in each individual.
"It may be more sensible to ask whether the report coppiain which we live is of some use in furthering our sviluppopsichico, and if the manner in which this relationship is expressed avvengononell'interesse of our evolution" (Meng, op. Cit., 47 ): the ideada part of which the author is that "the partnership can rappresentareun'opportunità incredible individual evolution" (p.48) in the event that has a significant duration.
When a couple in crisis is aimed at a professional to ask for help to solve their difficulties, the first feelings are telling gender disappointment, anger, helplessness in the face of conflict, concern for the future. And yet, before speaking, in the face of both partners should be read in sadness, tension, insecurity and deep suffering almost constantly, although sometimes, in one of the spouses, disguised as a fake image of calm and strength. As soon as they are asked, in the analysis phase of the application, to remember the moment they first met, suddenly, by magic smiles and looks deep complicity take the place of sadness and tension. Remember the beginning of their love story, albeit in a painful moment frankly, almost magically brings to life the dreams, aspirations, hopes, fears, desires related to those magical moments.
But what was then the pair unknowingly putting into play? What lurked outside of physical attractiveness of mutual sympathy, the feeling of being tested each other?
This question is usually a thorough and detailed answer in the course of a psychotherapeutic process and certainly not a mediation. But I believe that any professional who deals with problems of couples should be able to build a hypothesis on the significance of the encounter between the partners, regardless of the path that will achieve. This step is essential to understand how each individual, when he meets and chooses the other as life partner, is investing another unconsciously desire to provide a solution to their unresolved problems and therefore the need for a change of self.
When we talk about unresolved issues, we refer also to issues relating to the change of generation in the sense that each generation makes attempts to provide a solution to dysfunctional conditions at least the previous generation. We all know what is physiological, at least until the transition from adolescence to adulthood, the position of those who hope not to resemble the mother or father, or hopes to avoid repeating frustrating experiences observed in the relationship between the parents. The desire to develop their potential and improve the position reached by the previous generation is a spring essential for personal development. When this aspiration, however, becomes the main objective of her whole life, the higher the risk of repeat, in part or in whole, just those patterns and models that are perceived as dysfunctional relational dynamics in the previous generation.
A place to start is that each pair consists of two people behind them "two families of origin, each with a history and a culture that will inevitably influence the new family. At the time of each brings two partners, in fact, with him all the cultural baggage of their family of origin. Love and only shares a part of this family heritage, but is influenced by the whole of it "(de Bernart 2001). In
phase of falling in love both actors on the move is a desire to find solutions to the failures of the previous generation, is "his own ideas, images and functions that complement ill with what everyone claimed to know of itself" (Menghi, op. cit., 49).
We could say that the couple can use these projective mechanisms in a positive way, allowing them to feel better, "the more able to adapt to the needs related to the evolutionary process of the two individuals who compose it, not only adapt, but encourage their development. This happens when everyone is able to use their potential for evolution of the exchange with the other "(Meng, op. Cit., 49).
becomes crucial at this point as you exit the stage of falling in love: if everyone is able gradually, through constant and gradual elaboration, to regain possession of their goals and to recognize and accept those parts of himself that he has moved on the other, there will be switching to so-called phase of disillusionment, in which the other can be sure of help, but can never substitute for partner in achieving its goals. In the absence of an adequate computational process, the couple comes from falling through the heavy layers of disappointment, as everyone else will perceive the same as it was before the meeting, with the same problems and the same difficulties to look inside. In fact, the real disappointment to himself, but will give the responsibility, or rather the fault of this failure to change to another because it was not able to respond to the expectations and did not keep the "commitments" to which he had instead shown you can fulfill.
The evolution of the disappointment that has developed so it can be varied, but often produces a conflict that the couple is unable to deal with and handle. The evolution depends, among many variables, including the stage of the life cycle where the couple is, for example, the presence of young children is that often the couple opts for a freezing of the conflict, with the commissioning field significant mechanisms of avoidance, with the idea of \u200b\u200bresuming their lives in their hands once the child reaches the age of majority. Other couples, however, prefer to give full rein to committing extremely disappointed in the conflict to reach extreme levels of aggression between them.
To conclude the discussion of this issue, we could say that "the ideal couple is that in which the growth of the individual member is helped or even enhanced, not hindered, however, on the other. For this to happen it is necessary first of all that each of the two members want this growth, leading to a separation and differentiation from the family of origin and its culture. It 'important that each member can help each other in this growth performing a function on behalf of constructive criticism, and it is vital that each of the two members allow one to help him and trust him "(de Bernart, Buralli op. cit.), as saying that what does not work is delegated to another, but what is essential is the aiutoreciproco.

The conflict
One of the elements that characterized his first steps since the AIMS was to "consider the conflict as a normal event to the extent that, in the world of human relations, there are inevitably plurality of views, diversity of world views are perfectly consistent and logical, yet in contrast with other visions of the world as coherent and consistent "(Buss, 2001a, 15).
Speaking of conflict we can not avoid referring to the issue of differences. Everyone, in everyday life, is constantly put to the test in its ability to recognize, accept and tolerate all that has characteristics similar or comparable to what belongs to him and he is known. Highlighted in a previous paper (2002, in press), that "the riskiest bet is the ability to recognize differences and to establish them, without falling into the risk of turning them in diversity, that is something that is labeled and which thus loses the possibility of revision. " The recognition of our uniqueness and the ability to recognize the uniqueness they bring others not only represent the most extensive mode of learning, but also promote the ability to respect and accept the boundaries that distinguish us from all that is different from us. Of course, this step is feasible to the extent that the individual has previously learned to integrate themselves into the differences of which he represents.
The conflict arises from the management of differences. Therefore, the conflict is a constitutive element of the life of every individual. Each person placed in front of the operational decisions, but especially in responding to the evolutionary steps, is faced with the ambivalence between what we want to accomplish and what it fears to lose through change. Awareness of the step will make the choice appropriate at that time of life, in relation to available resources and in accordance with the relational context in which that step must be to subscribe. In the absence of a processing capacity of the people get stuck and fail to make any choice, paralyzed in a destructive indecision about what to do.
It 'clear that the evolutionary process, with its critical steps, is never a question only the individual but decisively affected the environmental, social and relational environment in which it operates. As recalled by Moravia (1999), the man "is a run concurrently. It is only within the system of relations, constraints, the individual is seen and unseen stimuli in which he lives is acquiring phase out its most distinctive features: its appearance as a man-person, along with passive and active agent. " The same Moravia emphasizes "the centrality of the context that we are in existence, in the event of conflict and mediation through which we spend our lives." The author, referring to the contextualist perspective, defines the context as "the place where human beings discover their own abilities and needs. This is the place to take these skills and needs with their faces and their social identity. This is the place where intersubjective encounters and clashes generate the differences between the I, you and him. You the place where it is produced that game passions and conflicting interests for whom life is what it is: a clash of ambitions and plans, objectives and purposes, pipelines and different ideals "(p. 36) .
In the construction of the couple relationship is important as each partner stands in front of the conflict, so the differences in culture and models of origin, the differences of thought, opinion and pragmatic choices become a stimulus for personal growth for the couple.
Dealing with what is different from us is not easy, so much so that, for example, many couples are being built on the basis of a study aimed at absolute unreserved sharing of world view, hobbies, lifestyles, as if to avoid the possibility of dealing with each other and thus eliminate the chances of a collision.
In other situations it is this same fear of confrontation that causes the pairs, with the passage of time fielding more or less aware of how to avoid the conflict which, although starting from the hope of saving the relationship from a possible fracture , end up instead at best to postpone the inevitable impact on conflict situations or to build the mode of operation of torque at times highly dysfunctional.
The avoidance of conflict is defined by Scabini (1995), reflecting the work of Raush and Barry (1974), "as a mode of relationship that attempts to eliminate the comparison carried out by the denial of the problem with distortion of the situation that nullifies the differences in this so both partners avoid a direct confrontation. Although the techniques of avoidance, if used extensively, inhibit the growth and development of the report, preclude the possibility of learning and to differentiate some aspects of the other and thus change their relationship, we can not say absolutely that they cause a destructive and unstable marital situation. Poverty and inability to solve communication problems together, often do not preclude the possibility of subjective reports satisfactory to the partners. Some couples seem particularly adept at maintaining patterns of avoidance, at least in the early years of marriage, with no serious problems arise for this. These pairs, in their daily lives, they tend to avoid interpersonal involvement "(pp. 258-259).
Therefore, avoidance of conflict can not itself be regarded as a negative prognostic factor, but it certainly puts the pair in a position of great stillness, in my opinion, can be stored without causing significant discomfort until c 'is the arrival of the third. Children, in fact, require both parents to have to deal with a third entity, even when the fruit of their love, but we know that is not always the case, it is "different" from them. Usually, if you have not already been done before, and adolescence of the children that parents are still required to deal with the conflict in this case, generational, and will be forced to deal with it for years although they have avoided. It 'goes without saying that the confrontation with this new experience, in this case, it will be much harder and more difficult to overcome and solve.
"Unlike avoidance, engagement in a conflict interpersonalepuò enable a constructive and mutually arricchente.Ciò occurs if the couples are able to implement a good variety dirisposte in conflict situations (humor, spontaneity, etc..) evitandol'espandersi the conflict beyond the problem that the hainnescato . In this case, you understand that what really matters is not so much for lacoppia the resolution, because the process itself "(Scabini, op. Cit., 259). Of course, the commitment is not lost in the conflict the most appropriate mode of operation. It becomes, indeed, "hard unamodalità report when the conflict tends to absorb interaprospettiva temporal relationship, expanding to provoke attacks on the identity personalee touching particular areas of vulnerability (...) the fact espansionedel problem indicates that something more is at stake: the conflict, if not curbed, it can take a destructive course "(p. 259).
In summary, the goal of every individual with respect to the conflict is first to accept and integrate the differences that characterize him as a person and then accept and integrate the differences in the other (partners, children, family, friends, colleagues, friends).
When couples are turning to a mediator means that the conflict has become incurable, that the system of meaningful relationships no longer able to bear the consequences and that the characters involved do not manage to find solutions satisfactory and useful for everyone. As we shall see later, however, at this stage we are faced with a conflict that keeps the positive development potential, "exploited by those who have a minimum capacity to understand what unites the opposites" (Buss, 2001a, 15).
is this one of the tasks of the family mediator: to help duegenitori conflict to find solutions for themselves and their children, without completely abandoning the logic that has characterized antagonist theit existence in the years of cohabitation. The experience of working on as well mediazionediventa, starting from conflict and separazioneconiugale, you can acquire a skill that allows relational apprendereun new way to collaborate on the parenting plan.

marital separation, when the conflict is and when not to be mediated.
Usually you come to the decision to contact a family mediator as a result of transmission by a lawyer, judge attentive and sensitive, a therapist, a friend, family member, or through knowledge occurred through the spread advertising material.
task of the mediator is to structure an initial consultation, which will involve both parents jointly or, sometimes, separatamente e che avrà l’obiettivo di acquisire informazioni circa l’incontro di coppia, la nascita dei figli, l’evoluzione della crisi coniugale fino alla decisione della rottura definitiva. Nello stesso incontro, o in uno successivo da tenere congiuntamente, il mediatore dovrà effettuare una corretta analisi della domanda e definire quindi il possibile contesto di intervento.
In questa fase di consultazione il professionista sarà inoltre chiamato a fare un’attenta valutazione ed analisi “della qualità del conflitto che vede coinvolti i due genitori nel contendersi i figli” (Mattucci, Pappalardo, 2001, 22). Gli autori prendono, infatti, in esame non tanto l’intensità e il grado reached by marital conflict, but through the study of the couple's relationship before the break, the quality of the conflict, with the objective of arriving at a correct definition of whether or not access to a process of mediation "(p. 22 ).
not be mediated by the usual criteria (presence of serious psychiatric problems, couple relationship frankly unbalanced manifestations of violence against children, etc..) Must be, in my opinion, joined by a proper assessment of how each of the two parents is able to develop the parental relationship. Obviously, this ability is strongly influenced by the level of development of the future marital breakdown.
are now numerous research studies that deepen and define the various stages of separation, the same clinical experience in psychotherapy, a couple of meetings and mediation professionals is continually faced with a complexity of issues that require more specific training requirements. It is well-established practice for experts in family dynamics start a reworking of the many relational and intrapsychic reorganization processes that occur during a marital breakdown, since the end of a marriage or partnership involves not only separation from partners, "But above all, a separation from aspects of their life history" (Scabini op. Cit., 255). For example, after breaking the marriage each partner should "work to take back the responsibility and initiative for the satisfaction of all the expectations that the other had agreed to meet and to draw up the breakdown of mutual affection costruitasi the evolution of the marital relationship "(Buss, 2001b, 36).
Experience teaches us also to distinguish the pain and suffering that the people involved experience as a result of marital breakdown, from what can be produced from a highly conflictual management of the moments after the decision to separate. In fact, the separation causes always a more or less conscious and intense suffering, even in those who are responsible of the break, which will impact the network of relationships in which everyone is included: "Separation and divorce are the result of a fracture, as such, it inevitably leaves profoundly influenced the life of a family "(Scabini op. cit., 255). The longitudinal research on the effects of separation, however, allow us to say that the most destructive and negative consequences are actually the result of mismanagement on the part of parents and / or families of origin of the stages following the same separation that implemented in particular through the war for the possession of the children. Of note, in this regard, studies conducted by Emery (1994) which, for example, stresses that "the state of tension induced before witnessing the manifestations of anger and hostility is perhaps the most serious consequence of the conflict between the parents for children "(p. 250).
The transition from a painful separation, but mature and responsible, a charge separation of anger, aggression and aggravated by the suffering that sometimes produces real psychological and physical symptoms is closely related to the implementation or otherwise, by the ex- spouses, that operation of the complex Scabini defines the "core task", or "make the so-called psychic divorce, which mainly involves the development and understanding of the failure of the bond. The aim of this psychic work is unambiguously define the boundaries of their relationship, with a balance of distance not to exceed the two extremes of attachment confused or exasperated conflict (Iafrate, 1994) (Scabini, op. Cit. , 257).
are exactly those features that some of the more frequently you have to observe in those couples who can not access the "psychic divorce" (Bohanan, 1970). Pairs are characterized by poor quality of the connection, since its inception, is characterized by the inability of partners to rework the initial expectations of falling during the projected change in the other. Their social life has been characterized over the years largely by feelings of disappointment: the other is not only not been able to help the partner to change some of its features, but it was not even able to change something about themselves . At this point the solution is: you continue to hope that the other change, or delete it.
pairs are characterized by high conflict and the goal is to get another war, to define winners and losers. It is these relational dynamics that refers Cigoli (1988) when he talks about bonding despairing, combining two former spouses who never stop hoping for a change of the other, and schismatic families, where the conflict is centered on the total and exclusive possession of the children by a single parent who, in order to eliminate the 'and one other family from the lives of children, do not allow any access agreements for the sharing of parenting.
not able to positively use the instrument of family mediation and are thus defined can not be mediated (Mattucci, Pappalardo, 2001): couples who go into the conflict for years without ever finding a solution to their difficulties, and without recourse to the success of aid a professional of the psyche; couples tend to exclude a parent, thus the establishment of so-called parental alienation syndrome (Gardner, 1989; Claw & Rivlin, 1992; Buzzi, 1997) couples in which the conflict has led to the almost total lack of interest by one of the parents towards their children or have even caused a parent to give up their parental role from the outset, not recognizing the new-born son as his descendant.
Despite the misgivings of some mediators, the experience gained in recent years at the Centers and other ITFV part dell'AIMS showed that including a path of mediation in such pairs non solo può rischiare di non produrre risultati positivi, ma può addirittura risultare dannoso, in quanto, in seguito al fallimento del tentativo di mediazione, i due genitori finiscono per sentirsi rinforzati nel loro senso di impotenza e nell’idea della ineluttabilità del conflitto in cui sono invischiati. Inevitabile per loro pensare che nessuno li possa aiutare e finire così per avvilupparsi in modo sempre più confuso intorno a situazioni di contrapposizione, a partire il più delle volte da elementi banali di contrasto.
In questi casi, come già descritto nel citato articolo (Mattucci, Pappalardo, 2001), le coppie finiscono per delegare, come estrema possibilità, alsistema Giustizia la soluzione delle proprie difficulties.

marital separation and protection of parenting
As already mentioned, the difficult task they are called in pairs that separate is to bring safe parenting beyond the conflict and marital breakdown. Family mediation in fact born as an intervention that has, among others, the aim of protecting the exercise parental, ie the aim is to enable children to have continuity of relationship with those who carry out parental functions, and through them to maintain a meaningful relationship with their families of origin. Needless to
that what must be done at the end of a marriage is "a balance of distance between ex-spouses and a balance of functions between the former spouses and being still to be parents" (Iafrate and Lanz, 1995). As I said earlier, but it is worth remembering, to cause adverse effects on their children is above all "the conflict between the parents in its development before, during and after separation, rather than the separation itself" (Saints, 1980).
Moreover, one can appreciate how the development of marital breakdown is an extremely painful, difficult and complex, and that "only if each partner comes to accept his share of responsibility in having contributed to the breakdown of the marriage (...) the crisis can indeed be said to be faced and overcome "(Cigoli, Galimberti and Mombelli, 1988; Cigoli, 1991) and, consequently, the mother and father can practice quietly raising children without fail to also deal with the personal evolution. Mediation, in fact, can be considered successful if the agreements are beneficial and profitable for both the children and for parents.
After separation there is a period, identified by the most in two years, during which choices are made at times that amplify and increase the conflict and whether they go towards a rapprochement, most times confusing, between the two parents. This series of steps means that during this period, the children, almost invariably, they are to live the moments of hardship, as already reported to be linked to the conflict, but otherwise the result of confusion, which in turn are parents put in their report as a former spouse. In fact, not knowing how to pass beyond the conjugal parenting, often at risk to make decisions, although rationally have the objective of making the welfare of children and in particular to help them to suffer less, actually are ways to reduce their own suffering in the wake of the effort to curb the painful effects caused by the rupture of the bond.
Family mediation has certainly not the task of helping the family to develop their own pain, as this is a task that relates more specifically to a psychotherapeutic approach, but encourages such development through the recovery of serenity in key decisions and choices for the harmonious growth of children.
He comes as the centrality of both the continuity of the survival of the parental relationship with their family and personal history, as this seems, however, 'a bit put aside in some models of family mediation, as if faced with the need to reach accommodations magically people were already able to distinguish between aspects related to the couple and those associated with their parenting. Instead, it is clear that if the relationship with its own history is not sufficiently elaborated in the separation, the agreements made during family mediation can have very short life "(de Bernart, Francini, Mazzei, Pappalardo, 1999).
During the debate, moved by the size on the parental marriage, one of the issues that are of particular importance is the struggle for the possession of the children get sole custody, in some circumstances, is to emphasize the victory over the other, as if joint custody had not so much to do with a shared commitment and shared to raise children, but with the idea that what you end up sharing the responsibilities are, the "guilt" of bankruptcy. In the minds of those who are involved in a process of separating who made the break, or has created the conditions for sopraggiungesse Indeed, it should pay the price: it therefore calls on the Justice that, by defining the victims and perpetrators, convictions and acquittals also establishing . The possession of the children for a few turns so that, sanctioning compensation for their losses, especially stresses that are part of the blame.
What will happen in these cases is that the custodial parent promotes or hinder the relationship between the children and the other parent and the parent do not know how to tolerate the pain that custody is determined as a result of a denial of their children. The task of family mediation is to prevent former spouses remain stuck at this level of contention and war and this will be a help to the extent that the parental role will promote "respect for others as a parent, despite the marital rift" (Scabini , 1995, 262).
Family mediation system to accomplish this task, it also aims to promote the maintenance of parental boundaries that, in the dispute between former spouses, involved directly with families of origin. In fact, in situations of severe conflict between two parents si possono verificare delle circostanze nelle quali è la famiglia d’origine a divenire “il vero sostituto del partner per il genitore affidatario e non affidatario, sicché sono i nonni a esercitare la funzione coparentale, venendo chiamati in causa nell’accudimento dei figli anche quando vengono contemporaneamente sentiti responsabili delle incomprensioni tra i coniugi e del fallimento del loro rapporto” (Malagoli Togliatti e Ardone, 1992, 220).

Una ridefinizione dei confini generazionali ha tre finalità:
1. evitare nei figli non solo una confusione di ruoli e di funzioni durante il loro percorso di crescita, ma anche il rischio di una possibile totale esclusione di uno dei two parents or at least its constant suspension.
2. Foster parents in the development of their growth compared with families of origin, because only this step will allow an adequate intake of parenting tasks and at the same time, a chance to revive their love life.
3. Allow grandparents to enjoy their position of no direct involvement in the responsibility for the growth of their grandchildren. Excessive involvement in these functions would, in fact, a shift to concerns, fears and anxieties that they would be less than spontaneous play opportunities and the relaxed and peaceful relations which have so much need both minors that grandparents in a delicate phase of family life.
During the meetings of the professional mediation may, at its option, engage in one or more occasions, the children themselves, and to give hospitality to their suffering, and to know which communication was given about their separation, and all this will help parents to understand the crucial importance of reaching an agreement for the purpose of education. In the case of children, a particularly useful tool is the joint design, which will be discussed later.
The mediator, to achieve the goals mentioned above, must ensure that parents become aware of their abilities, their risorse e delle modalità per superare gli eventuali momenti di impasse e di conflitto. Il mediatore non dovrà però fornire soluzioni preconfezionate, ma dovrà, maieuticamente, far emergere e far sviluppare, facendo leva sull’amore che i genitori comunque e sempre sentono verso i loro figli, la capacità di ognuno di assumersi fino in fondo le responsabilità che gli competono in quanto genitore e che sono state attenuate dalla sofferenza legata alla separazione.
Se i genitori, al termine del percorso di mediazione, avranno appreso come usare quelle stesse differenze che in passato avevano generato una serie infinita di conflitti come meccanismo propulsore per effettuare le scelte più idonee alla crescita dei figli, saranno successivamente able to find other arrangements without recourse to outside help. Therefore, the transition to be made is one that runs from a sense differences as a source of closure, enforcement, refusal to accept them as the most appropriate instrument to tackle the most difficult task that each individual is to support in their lives , which is to permit the growth of children as subjects other than itself.
This objective is achieved in the course of mediation through various stages, but the core is the route taken to reach the agreements reached through a careful reflection, meticulous, punctual on all possible issues, so as to grasp the nuances, details and especially the relationship between similarities and differences of the various positions. This is because the reflection on every aspect that relates to the separation and management of children and property allows an open mind to people who, because of deep pain, you are locked in rigid mechanisms, stereotyped and automatic. The drafting of the agreements is thus an opportunity to regain confidence in their abilities and resources and to perceive that there is an inner space to bring out the pain without it destroys, so invasive, all other areas of life. Many times you encounter
separated parents who report they can not afford to give vent to their suffering for fear of hurting children and family, without realizing that it is precisely this mechanism that actually end up even more to worry about the people around you. Experimenting with the means to regain possession of their personal discomfort without failing to parenting is, in fact, an important injection of confidence in oneself and the other parent.
The signing of agreements obtained by force or as a result of the desire to quit as soon as the story they do not encounter each other more short-lived, as it does not spring from a time-consuming, laborious and therefore, drawing on several occasions of all issues relating to shared ownership to the growth of children. During a
lesson in a course of systemic family mediation, a student questioned as to why it takes 10-12 meetings with parents to come to conclude the final arrangements for a mediation, since the items to be in the end not later so many. The answer lies in the need to encourage a constant reflection on various subjects, a reflection that in turn activate other and sometimes new thoughts and new solutions, it allows mother and father to acquire and to own a "tool" to achieve useful face first and then decide.
In my experience the children when they were involved, and it did not happen constantly, have always lived in the interaction with Parents and the mediator so liberating in the sense that they felt "relieved" by the weight of being to them to intervene in the conflicting relationship between the parents and, especially, have felt that their pain did not need to be " shouted "because their parents can listen again appeared, having liberated their own" hearing "dalleurla of the dispute.

mediation techniques
I will not dwell on the different techniques used during the mediation meetings, either because they occupy too much space, either because widely recorded and described in several books including point out those of Haynes and Buzzi (1996), Emery (1994) and Mazzei (2002).
But I want to briefly touch on a very effective technique in the work of the children called "joint design of the family", developed by Cigoli, Galimberti and Mombelli (1988) for expert advice in the field. However, it is a technique used in different contexts (the expert, during a family mediation, at a focal psychotherapy, also called for divorce, at a pair of psychotherapy, when it sees an opportunity to intervene and usefulness of the children during one or two sessions of the therapeutic process), making appropriate changes depending on the objective intended.
This is a meeting that requires the simultaneous presence of two parents and all the children and the delivery date is so "today we ask you to draw a picture together, to represent you as parents and children as you are now, while you're doing something. Each of you can draw yourself or others, as he prefers. You can draw people in any position of the paper. Now each of you takes a pen to draw and keep the same color until the end of the drawing (1988, 57).
The ability to "put one beside the other members so far in the conflict itself has a meaning, because it makes possible, even if with an artifact, the coexistence of different points of view, which is usually at once feared and desired by children "(Mazzei, 2002, 97). It is a test particularly effective in situations of conflict in which parents have cherished the idea, or perhaps hope, that the tensions have not had an impact on parenting children who, they say, would not even aware of the problems associated with separation . It is amazing to observe in the course of the reaction to the surprise of parents, sometimes even one, in registering their children, regardless of age, have a knowledge of what has happened or is happening, much more expectations degli adulti. I genitori, a questo punto, spesso realizzano un netto viraggio rispetto alle posizioni iniziali, divenendo più capaci di accettare le richieste e le osservazioni l’uno dell’altro, addivenendo così ad accordi prima più difficilmente ottenibili.
Il comportamento dei bambini durante il disegno congiunto è improntato, nella quasi totalità delle situazioni, ad una partecipazione molto attiva e soprattutto giocosa, che permette loro di interagire con entrambi i genitori liberamente e spontaneamente. Non a caso nella fase di discussione del lavoro prodotto, ma a volte mentre stanno ancora disegnando, si sentono liberi di fare domande ai genitori, di parlarsi tra loro, di interagire con il professionista e anche to emphasize the hardships and difficulties they experience, and to express hopes and expectations about the conflict between the parents. The mediator may at this stage to promote interaction by asking some questions and performing a function of the entire containment system, thereby providing reassurance to the children about the reliability of the context in which they occur.
Your use of the joint design is diversified not only in context of application, but also depending on the choice of the professional techniques that uses it. I personally think that it should be administered in a single meeting, or at most two, during which participants carry out the design and comment. The role of the mediator “è limitato alla guida dei genitori nella formulazione di ipotesi che successivamente potranno supportare le loro scelte” (Mazzei, 2002, 98). Difatti, “nella mediazione l’interesse è concentrato sulla produzione di un materiale familiare, che serve al sottosistema genitoriale per interrogarsi sui bisognie sulle esigenze dei figli” (ibidem).

Conclusioni
La mediazione familiare sistemica è un intervento che partendo dal conflitto coniugale si rivolge al futuro genitoriale, cercando così contemporaneamente di favorire aspetti separativi, che attengono alla coniugalità, e di promuovere elementi di unione, che attengono alla genitorialità.
In the debate between those who believe that the mediation process should only look to the future and never in the past and those who argue the importance of understanding families starting from knowledge of their history, is part of the effective image proposed by metaphorical " Aldo Morrone, charismatic master of almost all the brokers in the world, who speak of mediation as a car from which you must look ahead through the windshield, but not often forget to look at the mirrors (de Bernart, 2002 ). Ultimately
family mediation can "take on the significance of an intervention that not only tend to reduce aspects of bloody conflict in view of separation agreements, but try to support the family at this stage so painful and yet crucial to the psychological well-being of children, triggering, wherever possible, opportunities for development and treatment of loss of associates "(Mazzei, 2002 , XVI).
What is being treated is ultimately to the survival of the bond "is to recognize that the existence of positive aspects and they are keeping alive the confidence in the relationship and themselves as worthy of the link. How to tell if the bond failed, it is worth it to live and worth in life to care and energy ties "(Scabini, squeaks, 2000, 203).
This sentence is enclosed in the rest uno dei mandati che ogni generazione che ha conosciuto la separazione deve preoccuparsi di passare a quella successiva: i figli hanno il diritto di potersi sperimentare in relazioni affettive partendosì dal disagio per aver vissuto direttamente gli effetti di una rottura,ma anche e soprattutto dalla fiducia che tale rottura non segni il fallimentodi qualsiasi possibilità di costruire un legame che sia positivo, solidoe affidabile.

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